RED DWARF - SERIES 7 EPISODE 6 -- BEYOND A JOKE

[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]

LISTER

Mm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?

KRYTEN

Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir... managed to land

a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history!

LISTER

'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'? Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to

eat has ever scuttled. This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.

It does smell good though, what is it?

KRYTEN

Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with

green wine...

LISTER

It's space weevil, isn't it...

KRYTEN

It is not, no, sir.

LISTER

Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a

cartoon. Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, road-runners; all out. I'm

not a cartoonivore!

KRYTEN

Ta-daa!

LISTER

Lobster!

KRYTEN

Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir. Little so-en-so escaped in the

hold.

LISTER

Where did you get a live lobster?

KRYTEN

The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis block.

LISTER

You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you...

KRYTEN

You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?

LISTER

Today? Someone's birthday?

KRYTEN

Nope.

LISTER

Christmas? Easter?

KRYTEN

Nope.

LISTER

National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner day?

KRYTEN

No.

LISTER

Well, what then?

KRYTEN

Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5 - I thought we should

have a surprise celebration!

LISTER

I had no idea! Why didn't you say?

Ahh, if you'd *said*, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?

KRYTEN

Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode

of Tales Of The Unexpected.

LISTER

Eh?

KRYTEN

The old Channel 72 show. It was... Everyone... Never mind.

[Enter KOCHANSKI, CAT]

KOCHANSKI

Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go!

KRYTEN

Go?

CAT

We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just loaded in that new

software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri.

KOCHANSKI

Can you believe the luck? Finding a working copy of Jane Austin world??

It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax

under the medi-scanner.

CAT

You found my leg-wax?

KOCHANSKI

We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land. This is gonna be *so*

great!

CAT

It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter than a

Mustang's exhaust!

KRYTEN

But, what about the supper??

LISTER

The thing is... we didn't *know*.

KOCHANSKI

Just, put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a couple of hours.

KRYTEN

But, I mean, it's just --

KOCHANSKI

Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here interested in

something slightly more culturally sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or

the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril' game...

We'll have it when we get back.

KRYTEN

And you're going to go with them, sir? This is... It's unbelievable.

KOCHANSKI

I know! Davey and Jane Austin are not an obvious pairing - but think

about it: she's closely identifiable to Bath in the 19th century, and that

was the last time Dave had one!

[Exit KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

I just thought I'd check it out... Y'know, I never had much of an

education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college. Thought I

might learn something here.

KRYTEN

Of course. How silly of me. After all, you've always been a big fan of

penetrating 19th century observations of middle-class manners. I mean, just

because you own a t-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion'

doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition!

LISTER

Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we

get back!

KRYTEN

Two days I've spent, preparing this!

LISTER

Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me. I'm sorry.

[Exit LISTER]

KRYTEN

I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like that! And on our

aniversary too!

KOCHANSKI

'Pride and Prejudice' world! When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used

to spend all my time here.

CAT

These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B. I can barely cruise!

KOCHANSKI

Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture.

CAT

I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers

in two!

KOCHANSKI

You're gonna spoil it for us, aren't you...

LISTER

No he won't, he'll be fine. Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-

restricting back in them days. That's why there were so many wars.

KOCHANSKI

Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can *begin* to

understand why the book is such a masterpiece..?

KOCHANSKI

Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennett. Is it not a most fine day?

MRS BENNETT

'Tis an utter delight and no mistake.

Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome

young friends..?

KOCHANSKI

This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat.

MRS BENNETT

Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later

have tea in Mr Pindley's gazebo?

1ST SISTER

Oh please, mama, can they come?

2ND SISTER

May they, oh, that would be so delightful!

3RD SISTER

Oh yes, oh, please!

4TH SISTER

Oh do! Do come to tea, oh please, please!

CAT

They're so hot they're steamin'!

KRYTEN

"Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"! Well, I'm sorry, I'm

gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!

KRYTEN

Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game... and then I think we'll have

*everyone's* attention...

MRS BENNETT

Where on earth have {Dame} Lizzie and Jane disappeared to? Such rudeness!

I'm most vexed!

KOCHANSKI

Never mind, Mrs Bennett, I'm sure they'll be --

KRYTEN

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said: 'supper is ready'!

clears, only LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI remain>

KRYTEN

Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.

LISTER

I didn't know robots *got* PMT!

LISTER

It's nice, Kryts, really nice.

KOCHANSKI

It's really great.

LISTER

In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.

KOCHANSKI

Isn't it great?

LISTER

It's really great.

KOCHANSKI

Really, really great.

CAT

Are we eating the same stuff?

KRYTEN

I don't know *why* I make the effort. No one appreciates the *hours* I

put into food prep! My fingers are practically worn down to the endo-

skeleton.

LISTER

Is there any ketchup?

KRYTEN

Any *what*?

LISTER

Ketchup. I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup...

Just a dollop..?

KRYTEN

Ketchup??

KOCHANSKI

Oh my god...

KRYTEN

You want *ketchup*??

LISTER

Errm... brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got *no* class...

KRYTEN

With lobster? You want *brown* ketchup?

LISTER

It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with

a bit of a pep-up...

KRYTEN

I *can't* believe it. I simply cannot b --

CAT

Oh well done, bud! Now *we'll* have to do the washing up!

KOCHANSKI

He's *literally* blown his top!

Cat, can you go and get a spare head?

CAT

How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to

myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I? A dog?

LISTER

There. I think that's it; boot him up.

KOCHANSKI

You're *sure* you know what you're doing?

LISTER

Hey...

KRYTEN

Ketchup?? With *lobster*, you want --

KOCHANSKI

I thought you said you knew what you were doing!

LISTER

No, I just said 'hey'. If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd

have been: 'hey... no I don't'.

CAT

Any luck?

KOCHANSKI

We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can

tell, nothing's wrong.

CAT

Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?

LISTER

*What* spare heads...

KOCHANSKI

We've blown them all out!

LISTER

Look at it - have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staffroom

of a fried chicken franchise?

KOCHANSKI

We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality

on disk, but, that's about it...

CAT

Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle. I

mean, what can you do without a head?

LISTER

Apart from being you? Hardly anything.

KOCHANSKI

We're going to have to get him another one, somehow.

LISTER

I should've been looking out for him. How could I let this happen?

KOCHANSKI

When was the Centauri built..? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?

LISTER

*Think*. Any clues when it was built?

KOCHANSKI

Which century?

CAT

It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say 21st, or 22nd

century.

Maybe even 23rd or 24th. At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th. But don't

hold me to it.

KOCHANSKI

And we're asking his advice?? Let's at least ask someone who's at least

going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion:

Hello, wall! What do *you* think?

LISTER

Hang on, hang on...

KOCHANSKI

What're you doing?

LISTER

Logging on to their mainframe... If there's a Divadroid signature on

their supplies inventory then its possible there're some mech heads 'round

there somewhere.

CAT

Maybe 29th...

[On-board the Centauri. miscellaneous mech parts scattered around>

KOCHANSKI

Look!

LISTER

Hey; simulant... probably rogue - let's get the smeg outta here!

LISTER [VO]

Hmm, you smell good...

CAT [VO]

Thanks!

[later]

KOCHANSKI

They're all missing their primers.

LISTER

Well this Johnny won't help us. Simulants hate anything human or

humanoid. In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu'...

KOCHANSKI

Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then...

LISTER

[beat]

How's that?

KOCHANSKI

Because it's called 'Hu', dummy.

Well, actually, it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah' it wouldn't

have been as funny.

Any navigation conference *anywhere*, they would be in the *aisles* with

a quip like that.

LISTER

Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again...

KOCHANSKI

Well, the point I was trying to make is that sims hate humans, but they

don't hate GELFs...

CAT

But, we're not GELFs...

KOCHANSKI

We could be.

LISTERs neck>

LISTER

This is nuts!

KOCHANSKI

We look great! What are you talking about?

LISTER

This is never gonna work.

KOCHANSKI

Ak ak ak akka ak? Ha ak?

CAT

Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak!

LISTER

You *can't* speak GELF...

KOCHANSKI

Neither can the sim! We'll just do an impression of you first thing in

the morning and we'll be fine!

Come on, boy...

LISTER

This is so demeaning - I feel like a piece of meat!

CAT

There's someone up there!

*cat*

*kochanski*

LISTER

It's worse than a chronic catarr sufferers' annual outing!

*kochanski*

SIMULANT

After spare mech heads, 'ey?

'Uman! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade?

CAT

We ain't sellin', okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.

*kochanski*

CAT

I was just tellin' him - no deal.

*kochanski*

CAT

Like she says: no deal.

*kochanski*

CAT

You tell him, Bud-Babe! No deal! You got that?

SIMULANT

So... you speak Earth, 'ey?

*cat* (mimes: A little)

SIMULANT

Tails... you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the

'uman.

LISTER

Hey, wait a minute!

SIMULANT

It's tails, the 'eads are yours. And, 'ere, are the primers. Now, 'ow

about a toast, 'ey? To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe -

but never trust 'em, 'ey?

LISTER

Aw, we've been set up!

CAT

But how??

KOCHANSKI

He must have had a sidekick - he kept us talking while his mate ransacked

the ship!

LISTER

Kryten!

LISTER

They've taken his RAM chip, too...

[SIMULANT present, another mechanoid present; same head as Kryten but a

green body shell]

SIMULANT

Here's a little job for you, Able. Looks like a mechanoid throwback.

ABLE

Oh wow! Another mech.

SIMULANT

Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your

nipples.

ABLE

Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the

'fix him' option! Deal!

SIMULANT

'Urry up! You stupid {Tomy}.

ABLE

Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise?

Uh, I'm almost out of ultrazone, I need some more.

SIMULANT

Fix the mech, first. 'Ere's 'is RAM chip.

ABLE

Totally tubular!

KRYTEN

Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.

Thank you, Mr... er - Mr... er -- What is your name?

ABLE

Er, just give me a second, okay?

I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval. It'll be

back in no time.

Hang on, here it comes.

Told you it would be quick.

Abel. My name's Able: A - B - L - E, Able.

KRYTEN

My name is Kryten. You're a 4000-series, too, aren't you?

ABLE

Er, hang on. Won't take a tick.

KRYTEN

Please, don't bother. Believe me, you *are* a 4000.

ABLE

Well, I could check - it'll only take about twenty seconds.

KRYTEN

Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too! We must have the same

motherboard.

ABLE

Wohh, then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try some Ultrazone?

KRYTEN

Ultrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!

ABLE

Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It helps me get through

the day.

KRYTEN

Well how come you ended up here?

ABLE

Er, hang on.

KRYTEN

What an irritating characteristic...

ABLE

Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit.

KRYTEN

'Crashed a bit'?

ABLE

All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore. Then,

after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead. Then a long time

later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up. He's a bit of a psychopathic

killing machine, but, he has his good side. And, he has a huge stash of

ultrazone!

You sure you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'?

KRYTEN

I'm not your bro', and I do *not* touch ultrazone! It corrupts your

circuit boards!

ABLE

Well, that's what people say, but... where's the evidence?

Have I just said that?

LISTER

Appoaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing. Nice and easy, man...

CAT

Hang on - their retros have started up. They've spotted us!

KOCHANSKI

Look at the accelleration of that thing! They're already halfway across

the sector!

LISTER

The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of...

CAT

Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of...

LISTER

We're never gonna catch them now. We've lost Kryten.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.

LISTER

This is the opposite direction to the Centauri - full speed!

KOCHANSKI

Precisely.

CAT

Well, why do we wanna do that?

KOCHANSKI

It's totally insane.

LISTER

So why *do* we wanna do it then?

KOCHANSKI

The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the

Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second.

CAT

But we haven't.

KOCHANSKI

No, we haven't. But explain this: if we haven't, why are we in such a

rush to get the hell out of here?

CAT

It doesn't make sense.

KOCHANSKI

Exactly.

LISTER

Unless we really *have* planted a bomb on the Centauri.

KOCHANSKI

Which we haven't.

CAT

So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that

really explains what we're doing is if we did! Which we didn't! But we

must have! Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!

KOCHANSKI

Exactly.

LISTER

They've turned around and started tracking us!

CAT

What a fluke!

LISTER

Getting an incoming... someone's beaming on board... cargo bay!

SIMULANT

We know about the bomb.

CAT

So we *did* plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.

SIMULANT

Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend the rest of the day

picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.

CAT

Er, can I change into dungarees?

LISTER

Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.

SIMULANT

Clearly, I need to prove myself...

Kryten, advise your CPU; the one you've never been able to access... The

password is '4X2C'...

ABLE

Hang on a minute...

SIMULANT

It's about your creator, Kryten - Dr Mammett.

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, no!

KRYTEN

Acessing now...

No! It can't be true... It can't...

ABLE

The truth is in there - that's what turned me into a zoney.

SIMULANT

Who's next? The Cat? Or the woman? Choose - heads or tails?

ABLE

Heads!

him down. LISTER shoots at the GELF and knocks it unconscious>

LISTER

Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere

before they get their smeg together!

LISTER

Kryten, man, what's wrong? You look sadder than the salad you get with a

takaway shaami kebab.

Tell me what you found out about your creator.

KRYTEN

I can't, sir, it's too terrible.

LISTER

Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me.

KRYTEN

Well, you keep secrets from me, sir.

LISTER

Like what?

KRYTEN

What about your nickname when you were at school?

LISTER

What nickname?

KRYTEN

I know what it was.

LISTER

I don't think so; no one knows that.

KRYTEN

Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy". You talk in your sleep.

LISTER

It was for a couple of years! Eleven to thirteen when I was living with

m' gran. She was massive, her stockings used to rub together when she

walked; when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train pulling out of

a station!

I started getting fat too. It really hit home when she died. She got

knocked down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go back to the

truck for a second piece of chalk! I thought: I don't want to end up like

that, double-chalker!

If you ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces. Now tell me

about you creator.

KRYTEN

Oh, it's so humiliating!

LISTER

Tell me about Professor Mammett!

KRYTEN

Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He

jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in

his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible

buffoon.

LISTER

What happenned to this droid?

KRYTEN

That droid, sir, is me!

LISTER

Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen clucking? Oh yeah, I see now...

KRYTEN

We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire 4000-series. It was Mammett's

revenge.

LISTER

Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why

she was so sad to lose him...

KRYTEN

As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger - are

stored on a special file; my 'negadrive'. Now, when this file gets full it

blows! Just like he used to.

LISTER

All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small.

KRYTEN

Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir. This box contains the greatest

concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards

ceremony!

LISTER

Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem and turned to ultrazone? He

told me - he's promised to quit.

KRYTEN

How could Mammett have done this?

LISTER

Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've

changed. Look how different you are to Able. If Mammett came in here now,

I bet she wouldn't even recognise you.

KRYTEN

I've evolved?

LISTER

You bet.

KRYTEN

I've become something that's... beyond a joke?

LISTER

Too right, man.

KOCHANSKI

There's something coming in from the starboard bow!

CAT

The Sim's back; he's got a lock on!

LISTER

Reverse thrust - go! Five, niner, seven.

KOCHANSKI

Missed, but still locked on! Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid

belt.

CAT

Oh, not an asteroid belt!

KOCHANSKI

Is that a problem?

CAT

It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all

messed up!

KOCHANSKI

So what do we do? Stay here and get splattered??

CAT

Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner!

LISTER

I'm taking us in.

KRYTEN

Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence

'till he's convinced we're not there.

SIMULANT

I know you're in that belt... somewhere...

One little mistake... and you're mine...

mid-section. left by himself, ABle wanders into the cockpit to take a hit

of ultrazone. He accidentally leans on a switch on the control panel,

launching something from starbug and causing an energy surge>

SIMULANT

The mistake is made...

LISTER

What happenned, man!?

ABLE

I dunno, I don't know nothin'!

CAT

Clear out of here!

KRYTEN

Leave *him* to me!

ABLE

Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button...

KRYTEN

You have jeapordised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most

basic, fundamental command codes!

ABLE

I'm sorry - I didn't mean nuthin'...

LISTER

This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance!

KOCHANSKI

I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to

distract him!

CAT

Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes! That always works

for me!

LISTER

Wait! Someone's left the ship - an escape pod!

KRYTEN

It's Able!

LISTER

It's heading towards the Sim's ship.

KRYTEN

Why, that slimy, double-crossing, 2-but piece of scum! He's no brother

of mine!

LISTER

He's fired something at them...

CAT

Some sort of energy field... looks heavy.

KRYTEN

The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the

escape pod's thrusters. The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.

SIMULANT

It's all 'opeless!

{}

I never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate *everything*!

KOCHANSKI

Able's pod just crash-landed.

LISTER

Threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him...

KRYTEN

With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and

perform last rites.

LISTER

Do you need a hand, Kryts?

KRYTEN

He ain't heavy, sir, he's my *brother*.

LISTER

Great anniversary party, Kryters - curry world! Fan-smeggin'-tastic!

MRS BENNETT

How utterly splendid! Mine's the 'vindaloo', whatever that is!

KOCHANSKI

Mrs Bennett, Jane, Kitty: I beg you have the omlette with the big chips.

Curries are an aquired taste...

MRS BENNETT

Oh *nonsense*! Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy french apples, but

she did, didn't you Jane?

Now, tuck in, girls!

SISTER

I do declare, Mr Lister, this is most scrumptious!

2ND SISTER

Oh mama, it's the most succulent disk I've ever tasted!

3RD SISTER

A most meritorious venture.

KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT

AAaarrggg!!

KRYTEN

Curious - there must be some sort of bug in the program...

LISTER

I'm on fire!!

CAT

Water!

KOCHANSKI

Somebody help me!

KRYTEN

Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it...

[------------------------- END OF "BEYOND A JOKE" -------------------------]