RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 3 -- "BACK IN THE RED, part 3"

[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]

[Inside a vast, man-made structure]

[-- - Int. A small cell --------------------------------------------]

[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]

RIMMER

One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up.

Everyone's so deranged and brutal it's frightening. This afternoon I was so

depressed I went to see the social worker.

LISTER

Was he any help?

RIMMER

Not really; he beat me up.

He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled

me repeatedly with his book, "Showing compassion to inmates".

LISTER

I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?

RIMMER

In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained

everything.

LISTER

What did he say?

RIMMER

He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up,

too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

LISTER

It's cos we're in G-tower. All the staff are mad, here. One of the guys

was saying, though, as a reward for good behaviour, they move you to the

luxury block on D-wing. Everything's really nice there; they even shampoo

the rats. Groom their tails and everything.

RIMMER

I must look it up in my Michelin guide to penal Hell-holes. I'm sure it

probably gets the full five slop-out buckets.

LISTER

They've got everything: TV's, music centres... they've even got a trouser

press.

RIMMER

Since when were you interested in a trouser press? You care less about

your appearance than a member of the Dutch royal family.

LISTER

No, I was thinking: if we got moved to a cell with a trouser press, we

could make cheese toasties.

RIMMER

What's this?

[RIMMER picks up an envelope from the table in front of him where it sat

on top of a book, and opens it]

RIMMER

"Floor 13 information pack.

If privacy is required when using toilet, please wear blindfold."

LISTER

What's the book?

RIMMER

Gideon's Bible.

LISTER

He follows me everywhere, that bloke! I was staying in a hotel once, he

left his bible behind there, as well. And two years later, another hotel,

dozy git left it behind again!

RIMMER

Everything is ruined. My career's over, I've no goal, no hope, no life.

LISTER

Yeah, but how come that's started to get you down now?

RIMMER

Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going to spend the next two years in

the brig? Two years with the scum of the universe, hardened criminals,

deranged droids, people so unbalanced and debauched they could even get

elected as President of the United States. We've got to escape!

LISTER

Woh! There're security cameras everywhere. You know that mad geezer with

the one eye and the funny tic? He said it was impossible.

RIMMER

Well he's bound to say that, he was the warden!

If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous,

stupid-haired git I ended up with.

LISTER

You defended yourself!

RIMMER

Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much.

Two years in the Tank...

LISTER

Two years...

[RIMMER walks over to the other side of the cell and sits on the toilet.

He puts on the blindfold, which has "ENGAGED" stencilled on it, and

grimaces]

RIMMER

How did I get into this mess?

[LISTER notices what RIMMER is doing, and turns away hurriedly]

LISTER

I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me...

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf cruises by a colourful starscape]

[Text appears over the image:

"2 DAYS EARLIER"]

[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER is sat at his desk alone facing the camera, talking to the

recording computer that he has just activated]

HOLLISTER

This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space

Corps:

[HOLLISTER inserts the following edited video sequence into his diary:]

[-- - Int. Courtroom ---------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, two BAILIFFS, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER,

CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON, CHIEF ENGINEER present]

HOLLISTER

Are you familiar with the mind scan?

LISTER

We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

HOLLISTER

You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic

drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process

possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.

KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER

Aye.

HOLLISTER

Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.

We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.

[The four Dwarfers, having signed their forms and slid them into the

envelopes, lick the glue seal and resign themselves to the Captain's tests]

[-- - Int. Captain's office -----------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

HOLLISTER

To test the voracity of their defence, unknown to them, I've had them

placed in artificial reality where their -

[The following three video sequences are pasted in]

[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

HOLLISTER [VO]

- actions can be observed.

[The hapless Dwarfers each stand at an A.R. interface point. Eyes closed,

their hands twitch spasmodically around dual feedback joysticks]

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -------------------------------]

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]

[We watch a flashback of events we've seen before. The Dwarfs emerge,

Reservoir Dogs style, from a side corridor in their Dibbley togs. Of

course, now we know that this is all a pschotropically-generated,

consensually shared fantasy]

[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CMO, three other FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER

present]

HOLLISTER

Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what

they do...

RIMMER

So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special

agreements... that they've entered into --

Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...

[Exit RIMMER]

[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

HOLLISTER

Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew -

[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, RIMMER present]

[HOLLISTER has selected a recording of RIMMER's embarassingly lengthy salute

to illustrate his appraisal]

[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

HOLLISTER

- has started acting very suspiciously, being incredibly insightful, and

efficient.

[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, RIMMER present]

[Here HOLLISTER selects footage from the same meeting, and we see RIMMER

place the folder containing his report on Drive Plate safety proceedure

on the Captain's desk before returning to attention]

[-- - Int. Captain's office -------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

HOLLISTER

I suspect he may have access to the crew's confidential files. We also

believe he may be in possession of a virus, which makes him incredibly

attractive to the opposite sex. This is obviously a remarkable serum and, as

a responsible senior officer of the Space Corps., it's imperative I gain

possession of this solution and use some myself.

[-- - Int. Galley -----------------------------------------------]

[HOLLISTER's remarkable guesswork concering the Sexual Magnetism virus is

partially justified as we see him insert into his diary security camera

footage of the ship's CMO jumping RIMMER's bones...]

CMO

Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy!

[The CMO shoves RIMMER through a door into an adjoining cramped room marked

'Captain's Galley'

[Exit RIMMER, CMO]

[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

HOLLISTER

Yesterday he was observed injecting his groin with anaesthetic -

[-- - Int. Medical office ------------------------------------------]

[RIMMER present]

HOLLISTER [VO]

- something we believe he did to regain some self-control.

[Once again, we see RIMMER checking the contents of a hypodermic and

emptying the contents into his nether-regions]

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -------------------------------]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER begins to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and

RIMMER begins to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the

corridor]

[Enter three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

RIMMER

Hi.

FEMALE CREWMEMBERS

Hi...

[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER prsent]

HOLLISTER

I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the

crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his

way up the chain of command. It's sickening, it's unforgivable, but it's a

technique that can work. I should know: I used the same method myself to

become Captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the donut boy,

I'm finished.

I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR and expect my suspicions

to be confirmed.

Report ends.

[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ----------------------------]

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay ----------------------------------]

[CAT present]

[CAT is still wearing his Dibbley disguise and is pushing a large cart

over which a white sheet is draped. Two skutters flank him]

FLIGHT CONTROLLER [VO]

T minus eighteen seconds --

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay hangar section ------------------]

[Three Blue Midget craft parked and inactive in the hangar section]

FLIGHT CONTROLLER [VO]

-- and counting; engines start.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station --------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

GROUND CONTROLLER [VO]

This is Ground Control to Midget 3 -

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ----------------------]

GROUND CONTROLLER

- you don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and

clearance code.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

CAT

Ground Control, this is, er...

LISTER

Major Tom!

CAT

Yeah! Major Tom -

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Major Tom, what is your clearance code and pilot number?

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

CAT

I'm sorry, I left all my details in my other pants.

[-- 3- Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

[A small viewscreen crackles to life on the panel next to CAT, displaying

an image of the young and beautiful GROUND CONTROLLER. CAT falls in love]

CAT

Woooowwww!

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Without takeoff clearance I can't permit you to fly.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

CAT

I can handle this thing okay. I'm good. I'm better than good, I'm

smoooooth, with a capital 'Smooooo'.

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Well that's as maybe, but I need a little proof you can fly that thing.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

CAT

Fly!? I can make this thing dance!

[CAT proceeds to do just that]

[Tap dance sequence]

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station --------------------x-]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Wow!

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

[CAT takes a draw on a cigar and blows smoke rings]

CAT

You free Saturday?

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ---------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

I am now.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

CAT

Holy-shmoly! I got a date in three day's time; I better start getting

ready!

LISTER

You're going nowhere, man, we are outta here!

[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]

[Blue Midget paws the ground like a charging bull, then lurches

gracelessly out of the hanger section and down a launching tube]

[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf is left behind as Blue Midget arcs out into Deep Space]

[-- - Int. Corridor about Red Dwarf -------------------------------]

[MP THORNTON present]

[THORNTON stands security outside a hatchway, stencilled above which is a

plaque reading "AR SUITE / SUITO"]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

Thornton -

THORNTON

No one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.

RIMMER

Angus Thornton, age 36, middle name Lionel. Inside leg measurement: 29,

neck size: 16; circumcised.

THORNTON

How do you know all this?

RIMMER

Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and

attached to -

[Here RIMMER leans in close to THORNTON and hisses]

RIMMER

- the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.

THORNTON

That's a vicious, slanderous, filthy, stinking, slanderous lie that you

just made up!

Who told you?

RIMMER

Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break; five minutes.

THORNTON

Okay, I'm going, okay. I'm lighting up already, I'm going.

[Exit THORNTON]

[RIMMER backs through the hatchway, looking up and down the corridor for

unwanted eyes, then darts through]

[-- - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------]

[Blue Midget streaks through space, toward a nebula and nearby moon]

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

LISTER

Now all we've got to do is get a bearing on those damn nano's -

[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ---------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[Behind LISTER is a video screen portraying the scene inside Blue Midget

as we just saw it]

LISTER [on video screen]

- and we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER waddles in from the corridor and stops by the A.R. computer

interface panel]

KRYTEN [on video screen]

Getting something now, sir.

LISTER [on video screen]

Good.

We didn't need that confidential files scam I cooked up with Rimmer after

all. All that stuff I gave him on the Captain... Double-dealing, two-faced

rat!

[RIMMER watches these events on the screen and begins typing commands on

the interface panel, speaking aloud as he does so]

RIMMER

Find - all - references - to - the - agreement - between - Lister - and -

Rimmer - and - remove.

[The word "REMOVED" appears on the video screen and flashes]

A.R. COMPUTER [VO]

"All references removed."

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]

[HOLLY present, on a viewscreen in the cockpit]

[As LISTER checks his control panel, the world suddenly seems to 'flick',

as if several seconds of time had just been snipped out]

LISTER

What was that? Something weird just happened...

KOCHANSKI

Yeah, I felt it, too.

[Another flick manifests, and CAT is left facing in a different direction]

CAT

There it was again!

[The same thing happens to HOLLY]

HOLLY

And again.

KRYTEN

Oh, my.

LISTER

What is it?

KRYTEN

I don't believe I'm here.

KOCHANSKI

I have that feeling all the time.

KRYTEN

I have it. I believe we're in some kind of computer-manipulated,

psychotropically induced mind state.

HOLLY

You took the words right out of my mouth.

KOCHANSKI

You mean this is our trial? Our escape is our trial?

LISTER

The envelopes... When we signed the consent forms... there must have been

some kind of drug on the gluey bit we licked.

CAT

So you mean nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget? The Ground

Controller? None of that was real? You mean after all this, I still haven't

got a date?? Damn! Another year when I have to sent a Valentine's card to my

hand...

LISTER

No, this good, this is good! It proves we're innocent! Everything we've

said and done: escaping, trying to track down the nano's; it corroborates

our story!

[-- - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY

But you are guilty, guys! Who are you fooling?

[HOLLY immediately looks startled and casts his eyes about]

HOLLY

I dunno why I said that.

[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ----------------------------]

[RIMMER, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[RIMMER taps more commands into the interface panel]

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, HOLLY, 2 SKUTTERS present]

KOCHANSKI

We're being framed...

[Another flick, and KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI have switched places]

KOCHANSKI

Wait a minute, what's happening? I just said "we're being framed" and

suddenly -

[Yet another flick - KRYTEN suddenly finds himself standing staring at the

rear wall of the cockpit]

LISTER

It just happened again! Everything we say's being --

[Reality flicks once more, returning KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI to their original

positions]

KRYTEN

Bananas.

LISTER

If I say who I think's responsible for this it'll get cut too, so I'm not

going to, but it's him. I know it's him, you can bet on it, and if I ever

catch up to him, I'm gonna cut off both his b--

[A reality flick mercifully spares us the gory details of RIMMER's fate]

LISTER

-- blunt knife.

CAT

So how do we stop him?

KRYTEN

If we're plugged into A.R. software there must be a 'trap door' built into

the program somewhere to allow escape.

CAT

You mean to help you get out if the program freezes?

KRYTEN

Precisely. There'll be a cryptic clue around somewhere, something like a

trap door or exit...

[The Dwarfers begin to search around the cockpit]

CAT

I got it! There's a button here with "E - 11 - T" written on it.

KRYTEN

And?

CAT

11 is "XI" in Roman numerals. E - XI - T; "EXIT"!

LISTER

He got that?

KRYTEN

I think it proves, without a shadow of a doubt, this is not reality!

KOCHANSKI

Press it.

[-- - Stop-motion animated sequence -------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]

CAT

Now where are we?

KRYTEN

Well somehow we've wound up in the screen saver!

KOCHANSKI

We need to locate a power source so we can switch the A.R. machine off.

LISTER

A power source? A.R.? There has to be a clue around here somewhere. Maybe

it's in this ice hole?

CAT

There's some food in here?

KOCHANSKI

So?

CAT

Including a bottle of ketchup...

LISTER

So?

CAT

Power ketchup, get it?

KRYTEN

What's to get?

CAT

Power sauce!

LISTER

Pity he's only smart when he's made out of plastecine..!

KOCHANSKI

Press it!

[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber -----------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, RIMMER present]

[The A.R. program aborts, the interface ports deactivate and the Dwarfers

regain consciousness. RIMMER is desperately trying to stab buttons on the

interface panel]

LISTER

Ohhhh... ohhhh...

You back-stabbin', weaselly smegger! You were trying to frame us!

RIMMER

Listy! Just the man. Now, I know, at first glance, this may look bad --

[RIMMER abandons the interface panel and waddles toward LISTER. Pheromones

enhanced by the Sexual Magnetism virus waft out in search of suseptible

targets...]

KOCHANSKI

God, he's gorgeous...

RIMMER

Ohh, hold her back, please, hold her, please! No more, no more!

KOCHANSKI

Oh those nostrils! They're driving me crazy, I've simply got to have them!

[KOCHANSKI advances on RIMMER; LISTER grabs her arm and digs in his heels]

LISTER

Hold her back, Kryten, help me!

[-- - Int. Service elevator ----------------------------------------]

[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT]

KRYTEN

Mister Cat, sir, put the lift on hold!

KOCHANSKI

I want his babies!

LISTER

The Luck virus, have you still got it? Take some! It'll cure the virus,

and restore you both to normal.

[RIMMER uncorks the Luck virus and takes a swig. Instantly, the sexually

charged pheromones discharged by the Sexual Magnetism virus dissipate and

KOCHANSKI regains control of her basic instincts]

KOCHANSKI

Oh god, that's so embarrassing...

LISTER

What now, Holl?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ------------------------------------------]

HOLLY

No time to lose, you should head for the nearest one of these:

[-- - Int. Service elevator ----------------------------------------]

LISTER

You mean a moon?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ------------------------------------------]

HOLLY

Exactly.

[-- - Int. Service elevator --------------------------------------]

KRYTEN

He's right. We can regroup there and continue our search for the nano's.

RIMMER

What about me?

KRYTEN

Well, suggest we persuade you to come with us, sir, or, failing that, we

bludgeon you unconscious.

CAT

Him, come with us? Are you out of your mind? That's so dumb I should've

said it!

KRYTEN

Well, Mister Rimmer has had access to the confidential files, sir. He

knows all the security codes. Without him, our chances of escape are about

as remote as meeting an interesting hairdresser called Kylie.

RIMMER

Why would I want to take off with you lot? What have you got to offer?

KRYTEN

Well, I'm very good at laundry, sir.

[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

I do a damn fine moon impression.

[-- - Int. Service elevator ---------------------------------------]

CAT

I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly

appear, every time I am near.

KRYTEN

And you know what they say, sir: "if you've got three good friends, you're

a rich man".

RIMMER

Only poor people say that.

CAT

Forget it, he's not gonna change his mind.

KRYTEN

He's right, time is of the essence. The crew will know we're out of A.R.

now and are probably sending someone to investigate.

LISTER

So, what's it to be?

RIMMER

Look, if I leave I'm always going to be a failure. The shame of it. Every

time I have a boiled egg, knowing I don't even outrank the toastie

soldiers. I want to be an officer, a man of honour.

LISTER

Officers aren't men of honour, they're headcases. Those induction pranks

they play when you qualify?

RIMMER

I've dreamt of that proud day for years now. As I wake up after the

celebration party and find that my pubes are orange and I'm handcuffed to a

goat. And, most hilarious of all, discovering someone's superglued me to the

rear of one of those rabbits that whizzes around greyhound tracks.

Ahhhhhhh, those mad japes they play on you! I can't miss all that!

LISTER

But that's not gonna happen for you now, man. Just like it didn't happen

for the other Rimmer.

[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

We're giving you a second chance at life, and an opportunity for you to

screw it up in a new and original way.

[-- - Int. Service elevator ---------------------------------------]

KRYTEN

You'll get your own seat in the cockpit, and you'll be in control of at

least five buttons...

KOCHANSKI

Krytie, don't be pathetic, he's hardly going to be impressed at the

prospect of being in charge of a few buttons...

RIMMER

Five, you say?

LISTER

No more vending machine maintenance. No more getting heckled by drinks

dispensers.

RIMMER

That's five whole buttons?

KOCHANSKI

A new start, a new life?

LISTER

You'll wake up in the morning... you'll want to leap out of bed!

KRYTEN

Well, in your case, Mister Lister, sir, that's because your sheets are

full of pointy poppadum shards!

RIMMER

Tell me more about these buttons; are some illuminated?

LISTER

What do you say, man? The old Rimmer was a vital member of the team. He

performed essential functions we've never replaced.

RIMMER

What did he do?

LISTER

I dunno, really.

He, erm... he was, erm... he was, erm... ah! Head of Safety!

RIMMER

"Head of Safety", that's a hell of a title! But what did he actually do?

LISTER

He sought out danger; he sought out peril. Then he advised us the best way

to run away from it.

RIMMER

Head of Safety. Five buttons. I'm in!

CAT

He's in? Let's celebrate! I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide!

[-- - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------]

[In the hanger section of Red Dwarf's landing bay three Blue Midget craft

are parked quietly]

[-- - CGI / Live action composite ----------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf's landing bay]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER strides across the landing bay towards the hangar, checking behind

him to make sure the other Dwarfers still follow]

[Exit RIMMER]

[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

[The four scurry along behind RIMMER, casting glances around to see if

they've been spotted]

[Exit CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[The Dwarfers take their seats and begin powering up their Blue Midget]

[-- - CGI/Model shot -----------------------------------------------]

[In the hangar area, one of the Blue Midget craft rises to its feet]

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[Working at his console, CAT suddenly notices the small viewscreen flicker

into life, and does a double-take. It's the GROUND CONTROLLER, but not as

we know her; she seems to have aged 30 years or so, most of them apparently

spent eating]

GROUND CONTROLLER [on viewscreen]

This is Ground Control.

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

You don't appear to have flight clearance.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

CAT

You're the ground controller?

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Please state your name and clearance code.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

CAT

Reality sucks!

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station --------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Your name's "Reality Sucks"??

[The CONTROLLER cackles heartily]

GROUND CONTROLLER

One second, Mister Sucks.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[CAT exchanges a worried glance with LISTER]

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Just checking my clearance lists...

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

Look, just do another smegging dance and we'll get the hell out of here!

CAT

Dance? With her I'd have trouble walking! Powering up!

[CAT throws Blue Midget's launching throttles into 'maximum lurch' and

G-forces push them backwards as the ship charges]

[-- - CGI/Model Shot ----------------------------------------------]

[Blue Midget charges drunkenly along a launch tube, 'arms' flailing]

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ----------------------]

[GROUND CONTROLLER present]

GROUND CONTROLLER

Come back Mister Sucks, come back!

[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]

[Blue Midget speeds away from the lumbering Red Dwarf]

[-- - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------]

[Blue midget heads off alone into space]

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

KOCHANSKI

There's nothing on the scanner for a thousand mile radius... We're in the

clear, guys!

LISTER

Yes, oh yes!

KRYTEN

I don't believe we are, ma'am...

CAT

What's up?

KRYTEN

According to the supplies inventory we're frighteningly low on... oh, and

everyone was so happy, I can barely say it out loud...

RIMMER

What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?

KRYTEN

Worse! Fabric softener!

Suggest we chart a course to the nearest derelict, the SS Einstein...

before everyone's woolens get all bibbly-bobbly!

CAT

Einstein? Wasn't he the dude who discovered America?

RIMMER

Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity.

CAT

Where did he discover it? Was it fossilised, and stuff?

[RIMMER draws in breath and prepares to lecture]

RIMMER

The Theory of Relativity is... What is the Theory of Relativity?

LISTER

Yeah, what is it, Holl?

[-- Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

Bit busy at the moment, Dave.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

Well, just tell us what is is in, sort of, simple layman's terms.

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

It's a theory.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

Yeah, but what is it?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]

HOLLY

Oh, you want it more complicated than that, do you?

[--- Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

What does it mean?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

It's the Theory of Relativity. You know, it's the theory you only tell

your relatives.

[--- Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

RIMMER

It's so sad. Holly's supposed to have an I.Q. of 6000. Now, I doubt he

could even spell I.Q.

[-- - Computer viewscreen -------------------------------------]

HOLLY

If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer senile, explain this then.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit --------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

CAT

Explain what?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

You can't, can you.

[-- Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

Explain what?

[-- Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.

If I'm so stupid, explain why I was able to re-create a new set of

nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

RIMMER

What?

LISTER

Eh?

KOCHANSKI

What?

KRYTEN

What?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

I thought you'd be pleased.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

CAT

But why?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

My job is to keep Dave sane. True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my

best. That's why I create these little diversions to keep him occupied.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

But Holl, we could have wound up doing two years in the brig!

[-- Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

Still could. I've just worked it out, we're still in A.R.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

ALL

What?

[-- Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]

HOLLY

In computer jargon: my plans have all gone tits-up.

[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER is sat at his desk, watching events unfold on a large viewscreen

on the wall at the opposite end of his office]

[-- - Blue-framed computer viewscreen ---------------------------]

[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]

[This version of HOLLY appears much like our own, except that his head is

elongated at the top, giving him a large forehead with texture mapping

that warps strangely as his head moves up and down]

[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

HOLLY [on viewscreen]

I was out-thought, and out-manoeuvred.

LISTER [on viewscreen]

Who by?

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

By a superior intellect.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

CAT

You mean the hand-dryer in the men's toilets has outsmarted you again?

[--- Computer viewscreen --------------------------------------]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY

No, by that -

[-- - Int. Captain's office -----

[-- - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY

- still our trial.

[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

CAT

Our trial?? Why didn't you say? If I'd have known, I'd have worn a tie!

[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[Enter R.D. HOLLY]

[As HOLLISTER finishes watching, the image of the A.R. simulation on the

viewscreen is cleared with a diagonal wipe and is replaced by the image of

Red Dwarf's HOLLY]

HOLLISTER

Well, for me, Lister's nanobots story is corroborated. They were trying to

track 'em down. Their actions in the psychtropically induced scenario bear

that out.

R.D. HOLLY

I agree Frank. I also believe we died, and were, indeed, resurrected.

[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]

R.D. HOLLY

Again, borne out by their actions.

[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]

HOLLISTER

So, original charges: all innocent. But, its equally apparent that they

used classified information from the crew's confidential files to their own

ends. I suspected Rimmer had access the moment he walked into my office and

began acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable.

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]

R.D. HOLLY

What a giveaway.

[-- - Int. Captain's office -------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]

HOLLISTER

That's why I got him to lick one of the psychotropic envelopes when I

invited him to dinner.

[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]

R.D. HOLLY

So, abusing classified information. That's a fresh charge.

[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]

HOLLISTER

And on that, they're all guilty.

[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]

R.D. HOLLY

That's a statutory sentence.

[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]

HOLLISTER

I know. Two years in the brig.

[-- - Computer viewscreen --------------------------------------]

[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]

R.D. HOLLY

So, instead of the original charge and a possible sentence of two years

in the brig, they've been found guilty on another charge, and got an

entirely different two years in the brig. That's going to be a great comfort

to them.

I'll bring them around, and break the news.

[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ---------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, RIMMER present]

RIMMER

This is reality? But how can we be sure?

CAT

Why do we care? Nothing makes any sense no matter where we are.

LISTER

Look, everything was real before we licked the envelopes, right? Then we

conked out, and got carted off to A.R. before we licked anything... before

we licked anything... I lent you my Holly watch!

RIMMER

So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it...

[-- - Composite shot ---------------------------------------------]

[HOLLY present]

[Closeup of RIMMER's wristwatch, HOLLY's head is superimposed onto the face]

HOLLY

Oh yeah, this is reality, all right. I'd recognise it anywhere.

[-- Int. Artificial Reality chamber ---------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, RIMMER present]

KRYTEN

Also, sir, shouldn't you have the viruses? Again, you found them on

Starbug before we licked the envelopes.

[RIMMER takes out the two test tubes to confirm, then holds up the blue

Luck virus, studying the contents of the tube]

RIMMER

The Luck virus; maybe we can still get out of this mess.

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[Like a true cartoon villain, HOLLISTER swipes the Luck virus before

RIMMER can react]

HOLLISTER

I'll take that. The lab boys are gonna want to run tests on it.

[Out of sight, RIMMER surreptitiously hands the Sexual Magnetism virus

to LISTER]

HOLLISTER

Where's the other one.

RIMMER

I'm afraid I lost it, sir.

HOLLISTER

God damn it, Rimmer! I wanted that! Er, I mean, the lab boys wanted it,

to, er, test it, too. Damn!

[Exit HOLLISTER]

KOCHANSKI

This is all your fault.

RIMMER

My fault?

KOCHANSKI

You betrayed us over that confidential files scam -

LISTER

Stole the Sexual Magnetism virus -

KRYTEN

You lied to us -

KOCHANSKI

And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little

ratbag!

RIMMER

And that's bad?

[--- Int. Holding cells ----------------------------------------]

[CAT, RIMMER, KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[HOLLY present, displayed on a mobile monitor beside KOCHANSKI]

[The humanoid Dwarfers are all dressed in featureless grey jumpsuits, and

are lined up against a wall marked with height lines. Each holds a board

on which is stencilled their prisoner number. The board displaying

HOLLY's number sits on top of his monitor casing]

HOLLISTER [VO]

It is the finding of this enquiry that you have been found guilty of

contravening Act 21 of the Space Federation. Before sentencing, you will

have medicals so you can be assigned appropriate prison status.

HOLLY

I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I.

[-- - Int. Elevator ----------------------------------------------]

[Close up on control panel in the lift wall. Beside the buttons marked with

floor numbers is an inset panel coloured with black and yellow chevrons

and labelled "Authorised personnel only". A gloved hand enters the shot,

inserts a key into a lock set into the panel and turns it, sliding open

the cover to previously hitton button. The button is marked with the

number 13. The gloved hand presses the button, which illuminates]

[-- CGI/Model shot --------------------------------------------]

[The elevator speeds down its shaft]

[-- - Int. Floor 13 penal colony ---------------------------------]

[We look down from a ledge overlooking a vast cylindrical chamber. Walkways

at various levels circle the chamber, and a group of people standing in

lines can be made out at the bottom]

[-- - Int. Floor 13 penal colony induction area ------------------]

[PRISONERS, WARDENS, HEAD WARDEN present]

[Enter RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]

[The Dwarfers make their way uneasily between the ranks of hard-faced

prisoners. RIMMER stands in the front-most line, LISTER in the row behind

him, KRYTEN and CAT behind him somewhere, out of sight]

HEAD WARDEN

Welcome to the Tank...

[As the lines wait patiently, LISTER creeps up behind RIMMER, takes out the

tube of Sexual Magnetism virus and sprinkles it liberally across RIMMER's

shoulder before shuffling away. Unaware, RIMMER slowly begins to notice

the inmates around him casting glances in his direction, then moving

closer with disturbing smiles on their faces. As pairs of grimy hands

begin to fasten around his body parts, RIMMER succumbs to panic and the

scene mercifully disappears from sight...]

[------------------------ END OF "BACK IN THE RED" -------------------]