RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 1 -- "BACK IN THE RED Part 1"

[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]

[Inside a vast, man-made structure]

[-- - Int. Small, cell-like room -----------------------------------]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

LISTER

Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to

this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse!

'"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men."'

God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd

have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants". There's some

pictures of them here with the new-born.

LISTER

There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

No no no no, *there's* Argyle, and *there's* the baby! I was thrown for a

minute by the bib and the bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first!

LISTER

An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet *he's* not

gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed. Probably

pretend to be dead!

LISTER

"Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?"

It's not gonna work, is it?

LISTER

The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their

nappies at the same time.

LISTER

Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know.

I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again. Teach you

a lesson about maturity...

LISTER

All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the

next... minute. Twenty big ones. Shake on it...

LISTER

All right, if I'm on, say nothing.

I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're gonna totally

lose it. Are you ready? Y' ready?

All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed

- I mean *medically needed* - a pint, I took some money from your purse.

Oh God, it was horrible going in there. 'The wallet that time forgot'.

Not that there was any point; the barman on B-deck wouldn't serve me. He

said doubloons weren't legal tender any more. Said you should have handed

them in after the Spanish Armada!

LISTER

Thought that'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess.

Usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea

with a brand new teabag. Well, still, plenty of time to go.

LISTER

Remember Yvonne McGruder?

You really liked her, didn't you? I used to go out with her, y'know.

Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really

hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

LISTER

*Both cheeks, man*! She nearly wore them down to the *bone*!

RIMMER

*Will you shut up!*

LISTER

What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!

RIMMER

I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice

ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a

three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing". Have you any idea how

irritating you've just been? You're a master! There are things you could

teach to tropical skin diseases!

LISTER

Well, talk to me then.

RIMMER

No.

LISTER

Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I - am -

sorry!

RIMMER

No - you're - not!

LISTER

It was an accident!

RIMMER

An accident? You poured a hole tube of it over me, you disgusting,

rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey-vomit.

LISTER

Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up.

*Eighty-three*!

[-- - Interlude -----------------------------------------------------]

"3 DAYS EARLIER"

[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit ------------------------------------------]

[CAT present, at his station at the helm, others presumed out-of-shot]

[Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.

Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up,

down, left, and right - miles in any direction.]

[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]

CAT [VO]

This thing's even bigger than I remember...

[CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying

skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape

the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is

a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and

the tunnel walls.

Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very

important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very

*large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly

seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT

deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and

through it's pillar-like legs]

CAT [VO]

Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!

[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit ------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER

Hey guys! Look at my body!

CAT

There's an invitation that will *not* cause a stampede.

LISTER

No! It's back to normal.

KRYTEN

No time for that now, sir. We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and

Starbug appears to be expanding.

[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

KOCHANSKI

It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!

LISTER

It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process. Just

like my body!

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

CAT

We're being sucked into a vent!

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

CAT [VO]

Can't fight it!

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

KOCHANSKI

Air vent walls closing in.

KRYTEN

We must take action. Be bold, positive, decisive. Suggest we move from

blue alert to red alert, sir.

CAT

Forget red! Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

KRYTEN

But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir.

CAT

You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you!

[Enter HOLLY]

HOLLY

All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses,

or is this a bad time?

LISTER

Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death!

HOLLY

So that's a 'no', then, is it?

KRYTEN

Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back

to normal!

KOCHANSKI

We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's

happening. Things *are* back to normal!

HOLLY

You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one? Science-fiction film, name of

the ship, one word:

The Nostrilomo! Spent a week thinking that one up! Good, innit?

KRYTEN

Computing time to impact... calculations coming through - here they come.

LISTER

How long have we got?

KRYTEN

About the time it takes to read a stop sign, sir.

CAT

That's okay then. I don't always get through those in one sitting!

KOCHANSKI

What are our chances of getting out of here?

KRYTEN

About the same odds as discovering Mister Lister saddle-stitching the

hem of a pair of linen maternity slacks.

LISTER

I must admit, it's been a while since I did that.

Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed

to death under a gigantic trouser press!

CAT

Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like

that!

KOCHANSKI

There may be a way through this if we take a detour. Past

Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit. We'll save about two

minutes!

KRYTEN

What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards

thirty and still has a teddy bear called 'Booboo', but, when it comes to

navigation, there's none finer!

LISTER

What's your view, Holl?

HOLLY

Straight up your nose when you lean in like that.

LISTER

Epsilon 14.

[-- - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

KRYTEN

There's - there's - there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's

beating at an incredible rate!

CAT

You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating

so fast.

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

LISTER

Heyyy!

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[The 'Bug flies into and jams in the rear-end of a rat]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------]

[The cockpit is in darkness, and the quick thudding of a heartbeat can be

heard]

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

HOLLY

I hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're

rat-arsed...

[LISTER releases the ship from the rat]

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[The rat splats into a wall

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

[The Dwarfers brace for an impact]

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[Starbug crashes through an air vent cover]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

[The crew lurch from the impact and sparks flash from electrical feedbacks

in the consoles]

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[By now, Red Dwarf has shrunk enough that Starbug, passing through a

hatchway, jams its rear module against the walls and rips itself free]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

CAT

According to the desk we've lost all engines!

Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?

[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]

[The second bubble is torn off the ship]

[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]

KRYTEN

Now we've lost the mid-section and the kitchen! I'm sorry everyone, but

we may have to have sandwiches for lunch!

[-- - Model/CGI / live action shot sequence ---------------------]

[the remaining piece of Starbug smashes into a landing bay and comes to

rest. Waiting only long enough for the crew to flee, the cockpit module

then explodes messily]

[-- - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay -----------------------------------]

[The Dwarfers tentatively raise their heads from where they lie, prone, on

the deck. Three people in yellow Hazardous Environment suits approach the

survivors - two of them un-mask]

SELBY

Dave?

LISTER

Selby! Chen! Is it really you?

CHEN

Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check.

Yeah, I think it's us.

LISTER

Guys! This is brilliant! I can't believe it!

KRYTEN

You know these people, sir?

LISTER

Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken

their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This

is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

CAT

How?

KOCHANSKI

The nano's must have resurrected *them* along with the ship.

LISTER

This is Chen.

He works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby - and

he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson?

CHEN

He couldn't make it. He's drunk!

KRYTEN

The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvelous,

incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss!

[Two more people, officers, arrive - one pushes LISTER away from his friends

before stepping into view]

HOLLISTER

Mister Thornton, read them their rights.

THORNTON

David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a

Starbug. You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling

two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.

Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of

enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid?

LISTER

Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP, marching double-time]

LISTER, THORNTON

Left - right - left - right - left - right!

LISTER

Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel!

THORNTON

Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? *Do you understand*!?

LISTER

Yes!

THORNTON

*"Yes -" what*!?

LISTER

"Yes, Mister... Shouty"..?

THORNTON

"YES - SIR"!

[-- - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP]

THORNTON

Left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right

- left - right - Halt!

Lift arm.

THORNTON

At ease.

[THORNTON attaches a security bracelet to LISTER's wrist]

[Exit MP. THORNTON]

[Enter HOLLY]

HOLLY

All right, dude.

LISTER

They don't know about you yet, Holl. It might be an idea to keep it that

way. I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what

happens then?

HOLLY

Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go

home, I suppose.

LISTER

What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

HOLLY

Well if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.

LISTER

What brig?

HOLLY

The brig on floor 13.

LISTER

There isn't a floor 13!

HOLLY

Yeah, there is. It was classified. A need-to-know only basis.

LISTER

So who knew?

HOLLY

Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the Twilight Zone.

LISTER

So what's it like, this brig?

HOLLY

Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style

penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with

ensuite buckets.

LISTER

Smeggin' hell.

HOLLY

They call it The Tank. There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all

being transported to Adelphi 12. Presumably, they've all been resurrected

too.

LISTER

What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know. They're all

deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet

walls... scum of the universe. They're all like that, aren't they?

HOLLY

Well, the nice ones are, yeah. Hang on, I've got one of them on

file somewhere. Here we go:

[HOLLY's image is replaced by a terrifying face sporting a green, tribal

haircut and hundreds of studs and rings]

NIGEL

I'm Nigel. I'm nice!

[HOLLY re-appears]

HOLLY

See what I mean? They're not all headbangers. Nige is lovely, though he

does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet.

[Enter RIMMER]

LISTER

Thanks very much Holl. Y' really cheering me up.

[Exit HOLLY]

LISTER

The brig.

[Enter RIMMER]

LISTER

Two years..! Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex!

RIMMER

You hope!

LISTER

Rimmer!

RIMMER

Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the

bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick.

LISTER

God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh.

RIMMER

What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician!

A zero! A nobody!

LISTER

This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And

you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!

RIMMER

I died?

LISTER

Yeah.

RIMMER

All the crew died?

LISTER

Yeah.

RIMMER

And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a

load of neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos. So where are we, is it my

heaven?

LISTER

Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived because I was in

stasis. Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the

crew.

RIMMER

So where are they?

LISTER

Dunno... gone, scarpered. Maybe I should take the fifth?

RIMMER

The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.

LISTER

I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,

who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle

society.

I need your help, man.

RIMMER

Me?

LISTER

Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters. The minute I walk

though that door, I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole

of Bootle!

RIMMER

Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple

of zillion volts is going to be easy street...

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, two MP'S present]

KOCHANSKI

Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation.

KRYTEN

In the past they have only ever done things that have ultimately

benefitted us. We should take comfort in that.

KOCHANSKI

Like what?

KRYTEN

Like when they first stole Red Dwarf and took us on a merry goose chase

halfway round the galaxy. They led us to Legion, where Mister Rimmer

acquired a hard light body.

KOCHANSKI

Benefit.

KRYTEN

And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.

KOCHANSKI

Benefit. And, after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met

me!

[KRYTEN stalks off]

[Exit KRYTEN]

[-- Int. Corridor on officers deck ------------------------------]

[CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER present]

[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]

CMO

What's this rumour that we're three million light years into Deep Space,

and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

HOLLISTER

That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that?

CMO

The coffee machine on G-deck.

HOLLISTER

That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser!

CMO

Is it true?

HOLLISTER

Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it. Starbug took out one of

his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting.

CMO

The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design

plans, before the JMC made all its cutbacks?

HOLLISTER

We now have a quark-level matter/anti-matter generator, ship-wide

bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.

CMO

But how? And how did we wind up in Deep Space?

HOLLISTER

Nobody knows...

[Exit HOLLISTER, CMO]

[- - CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]

[-- - CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]

[Medical scanner initalises and begins a scan. Messages appear as follows:]

"Medi-scan enabled"

[Humanoid figure appears on screen; focus reticle begins buzzing over the

figure]

"Anomalies detected - cardiovascular system and internal --"

- Int. Medical lab -------------------------------------------]

[CAT present]

[HOLLISTER, CMO present]

CMO

We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this:

[They look under the blanket covering CAT]

HOLLISTER

Has he got the measles?

CMO

Those are his nipples, Frank.

[-- - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]

[Medi-scan image: six points of light appear on the torso of the humanoid

image]

[-- - Int. Medical lab --------------------------------------------]

HOLLISTER

Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like?

CAT

Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano.

CMO

His internal organs are different too.

HOLLISTER

In what way?

CMO

His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated. And

even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated.

HOLLISTER

This guy's intestines look better than my quarters.

CMO

His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his

sounds... cooler...

CAT

You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D-dff,

d-dff, d-dff, d-dff. Where's the tune in that?

HOLLISTER

Let me hear it.

[Fx: Pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb, pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb]

CMO

Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.

[Fx: pulse is layered with the heartbeat, creating a trippy bongo breakbeat]

HOLLISTER

Oh, that's good. Can you slam that down on tape for me?

[-- - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

LISTER

Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape. I've got to track down these

nanobots.

RIMMER

I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy. I'm going places!

LISTER

"Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"...

RIMMER

Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the

engineering exam!

LISTER

"And become an officer"...

RIMMER

And become an officer, yes! An officer. A guy of honour, decency and

breeding.

LISTER

Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?

RIMMER

Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge

club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not

play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.

LISTER

I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I?

RIMMER

And while we're on the subject, when someone has had a tad too much

claret, and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour

generally don't take a polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache,

mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under

'missing persons'.

They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a

French movie star".

LISTER

As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a

French movie star. Way too good looking.

RIMMER

Don't expect help from me, Lister.

LISTER

But that was years ago...

RIMMER

It was last week!

LISTER

Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me.

And anyway I was whirlitzered then. I even finished off the advocar. I even

downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet.

RIMMER

That was my Windowlene... I must have left it there when I was cleaning

the glass.

LISTER

It tasted all right with that Chartruess green liqueurey thing.

RIMMER

You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable.

LISTER

Look, I've changed, I'm different now... more mature, more debonair. I

don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me.

RIMMER

Have you stopped playing the guitar?

LISTER

No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit. What I'm trying to

say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore.

RIMMER

How's that?

LISTER

I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've

done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it.

I can help you...

RIMMER

Do what?

LISTER

Get promoted.

RIMMER

Preposterous!

How?

LISTER

Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their

strengths and weaknesses...

RIMMER

How?

LISTER

Well before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship.

I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,

the works. Knowledge is power. Who said that?

RIMMER

I don't know.

LISTER

Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a

genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take

exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg... Just, help me escape.

RIMMER

I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of

power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to

prove it to me first.

LISTER

You're on.

RIMMER

Get me promoted.

LISTER

You've got it.

RIMMER

Okay, deal.

LISTER

You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile

version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.

[-- - Int. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------]

[KRYTEN, COUNSELLOR present]

COUNSELLOR

Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; I am the ship's chief psychiatric

counsellor, and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really

good natter.

KRYTEN

My name is Kryten, sir.

COUNSELLOR

Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we! Now, you're a robot, aren't you?

KRYTEN

I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.

COUNSELLOR

And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember?

KRYTEN

2340 sir.

COUNSELLOR

Very good, 2340. Now, that's in the future, isn't it?

KRYTEN

Yes sir, I was created after you died.

COUNSELLOR

Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. And how long would

you say I've been dead, altogether?

KRYTEN

Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.

COUNSELLOR

Aren't I?

KRYTEN

No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?

COUNSELLOR

Right! I *was* alive, died, and then started living again..?

KRYTEN

You have been most fortunate sir!

COUNSELLOR

I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?

KRYTEN

Er, yes, sir?

COUNSELLOR

Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring

back to life again?

KRYTEN

You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little

robots!

COUNSELLOR

'Teenty little robots'?

KRYTEN

And they make this little noise - 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!

COUNSELLOR

Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten? It is still

screwed down, isn't it?

KRYTEN

Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR

With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground?

KRYTEN

Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR

Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you

programmed to do?

KRYTEN

Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type

things: washing, cleaning, ironing.

COUNSELLOR

Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the

science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those

lovely, pretty buttons and press them all?

KRYTEN

Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister.

COUNSELLOR

Mister Lister..?

KRYTEN

He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to

develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud!

I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very

fine hair cut!"

You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity,

even though I say so myself!"

I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my

God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us";

happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!",

and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with

rudimentary mindless violence:

KRYTEN

That's a newie. I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion

Show. At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence, which means feeling two

opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing:

KRYTEN

As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like

a dog with a caramel toffee.

COUNSELLOR

What is your relationship with Lister?

KRYTEN

I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd

probably be normal.

COUNSELLOR

I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help

you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you?

[The counsellor rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend:

RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS]

[-- - CGI/Model / live action composite ---------------------------]

[Enter RIMMER]

[-- - Int. Starbug wreckage ---------------------------------------]

[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the

remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such]

RIMMER

Yes!

[RIMMER locates two small vials]

RIMMER

Luck virus; sexual magnetism?

[RIMMER activates HOLLY]

[Enter HOLLY]

RIMMER

Holly, what's this?

HOLLY

Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're

positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you

luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus.

RIMMER

Sexual magnetism!

HOLLY

You gonna use it?

RIMMER

Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it

works. Well, bottoms up!

Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again!

[A message flashes on HOLLY's screen: "SICKBAGS ON STANDBY"]

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]

[Several female crewmembers present]

[Enter RIMMER]

WOMEN

Hi, Arn...

RIMMER

Ladies!

WOMEN

Hi, Arnold...

RIMMER

The world loves a bastard!

["TO BE CONTINUED!"]

[----------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED" --------------------]