RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 2 -- "BACK IN THE RED, part 2"

[-- - CGI/Model shot ------------------------------------------------]

[RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape]

[Narrative text appears over the ship:]

"The mining ship Red Dwarf

Reconstructed together with

its original crew, by an army

of microscopic robots

Reason - smeg knows"

[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

HOLLISTER

This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red

Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the

Space Corps:

[Cue three scenes of 'video evidence': edited clips from 'Back In The Red,

part 1']

[-- - Int. Sleeping Quarters ----------------------------------------]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

LISTER

This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And

you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!

[...]

I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,

who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle

society.

I need your help, man.

[-- - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf --------------------------------]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER

I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,

the works.

[...]

I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man,

you won't have to take exams --

[...]

Just, help me escape.

RIMMER

I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of

power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to

prove it to me first.

LISTER

You're on.

RIMMER

Get me promoted.

LISTER

You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile

version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.

[-- - Int. Starbug wreckage -----------------------------------------]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the

remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such]

RIMMER

Yes!

[-- - CGI/Model shot -----------------------------------------------]

[RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape]

[-- - Int. Captain's office -----------------------------------------]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER stands to attention and begins a salute]

RIMMER

My captain, sir.

HOLLISTER

Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end? Err, do I have time to go for a cup

of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?

RIMMER

Nearly finished sir. It's my very special extra long salute, I reserve for

the especially important, sir.

[RIMMER completes his salute]

HOLLISTER

You wanted to see me?

RIMMER

I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir. There's a

potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir. Obviously, anyone

who mis-repaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of

a leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid

are everywhere.

I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.

HOLLISTER

Did you really think of this?

RIMMER

Permission to look smug, sir.

HOLLISTER

Permission granted.

Good work, Rimmer. Great work.

RIMMER

Oh, before I go, sir. Happy wedding anniversary, sir.

I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.

HOLLISTER

A blueberry muffin... like Martha used to make... thanks, Rimmer...

Dismissed.

RIMMER

Ah, sir, just one more thing. I know the medical guys think we've run out

of this stuff, but I discovered a couple of un-opened medi-crates in

Storage, sir. If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours - no questions

asked.

HOLLISTER

"Anus Soothe Pile Cream. The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own

special glove."

[RIMMER hands over a flat rubber glove; it has one, long, finger]

RIMMER

"One size fits all"... I could tell from your walk.

HOLLISTER

Rimmer... could you post this for me?

RIMMER

Why, certainly, sir.

Oh, its addressed to me, sir?

HOLLISTER

I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater

things.

RIMMER

And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?

HOLLISTER

This report is first rate! Now, I *want* you to come to supper. See you on

Friday. Incidentally, its black tie...

RIMMER

Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir! Though, I would prefer it if it

wasn't black... any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir?

HOLLISTER

Just go! Wear what the hell you want...

[RIMMER execute a second excrutiatingly long salute]

[Exit RIMMER]

[-- - Int. Medical bay --------------------------------------------]

[MEDIC present]

[Enter KRYTEN]

[The MEDIC, absorbed in his work, does not notice the peculiar nature of his

patient]

MEDIC

Get undressed.

[KRYTEN waddles off and disappears behind a modesty screen. Moments later

he returns to the MEDIC, having removed his black outer shell to reveal a

beige under-version]

MEDIC

Fill this up, behind the screen.

[MEDIC hands KRYTEN a specimen bottle, which he takes with him behind the

screen. When he returns, the bottle is filled with flowers]

[MEDIC tries to measure KRYTEN's blood pressure (oil pressure?), but

succeeds only in inflating the hand on the mechonoids other arm. The over-

inflated hand blows off and raspberry's its way around the room]

[-- - Int. Examination room ----------------------------------------]

[MEDIC, KRYTEN present]

[KRYTEN lies on his back on a table, legs apart and in stirrups. The MEDIC

stands between KRYTEN's legs, holding a power drill. MEDIC unscrews two

bolts, whereupon KRYTEN's head falls off and rolls out of the room]

[-- - Int. Kochanski's Quarters -----------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI present]

[KOCHANSKI sits cross-legged on her bed, holding a pink fluffy toy]

[Enter NURSE, KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, hi...

[Exit NURSE]

KOCHANSKI

What are you doing here?

[KRYTEN sits down on the bed, looking tearful]

KOCHANSKI

What's wrong?

KRYTEN

I've been classified as a woman.

KOCHANSKI

A woman, why?

KRYTEN

Well, because I haven't got a... [sotto voce] *penis*...

It's a Space Corps. directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail. What's

the saying, "if you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing".

KOCHANSKI

Well, what happened, did you lose it?

KRYTEN

I was never issued with one, ma'am. Well, why would I need one, unless

somehow I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my

name in the snow.

KOCHANSKI

So, you mean, you've never had a steak, pie, peas and chips set?

KRYTEN

I think the phrase is "meat and two veg", ma'am.

No, the only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals were the ones

created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise

themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand

around cupping themselves all day.

KOCHANSKI

But hey, now you're a woman its going to mean some big changes in the way

you behave.

KRYTEN

I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am. Just overnight. They want my

permission to repair my corrupted files. Tomorrow afternoon. Restore my

factory settings!

KOCHANSKI

But your corrupted files are what makes you *you*!

KRYTEN

I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable!

KOCHANSKI

Oh!

KRYTEN

Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! Quirky!? How could they reach a

verdict like that? And as for unstable! It makes me so...

[KRYTEN's face spasms]

KOCHANSKI

Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I?

What was it supposed to be?

KRYTEN

Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it? I look like Mister

Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.

KOCHANSKI

Well, look, what are you going to do?

KRYTEN

Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am... I can't say no, they *are* my

superiors.

KOCHANSKI

Look, you've *got* to say no!

KRYTEN

I can't! They're better than me, I'm, I'm not strong enough!

KOCHANSKI

Right, here's a tip: if you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they

look like on the loo... can you see them?

KRYTEN

No, I... Ooh..! Yes, I can!

[laughs]

KOCHANSKI

Do they still seem better than you?

KRYTEN

No, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI

Do they still seem superior?

KRYTEN

No, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI

That's what you've got to do tomorrow! Just re-create that picture!

KRYTEN

It works for everyone!

KOCHANSKI

Yes!

Who are you looking at now?

KRYTEN

You, ma'am!

[laughs]

[-- - Int. Courtroom ----------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, two BAILIFFS present]

BAILIFF

Be upstanding.

[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON, CHIEF

ENGINEER]

LISTER [to KOCHANSKI]

Just relax, Rimmer's gonna help us escape. This enquiry's a piece of cake,

we're just going through the motions...

HOLLISTER

Let's get this enquiry under way.

You have refused defense assistance, is that right?

[CAT calls a huddle]

CAT

Okay, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows and we all huddle

together like this and whisper for a while before we answer. It looks like

we know what we're doing!

[CAT breaks the huddle]

CAT

We intend to defend ourselves!

[CAT signals another huddle]

CAT

You see how good that looked?

[The four break]

HOLLISTER

Are you familiar with the mind scan?

LISTER

We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

HOLLISTER

You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process, making

your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a board of

enquiry?

KOCHANSKI

Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER

You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic

drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process

possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.

KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER

Aye.

HOLLISTER

Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.

We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.

[-- - Int. Holding cells ------------------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

[The door, really just a large opening in one wall, to the cell in which

LISTER's sits is covered by a dark, but translucent, blue forcefield that

shimmers in an unsettling sine-wave pattern. A second forcefield covers

the entrance to the cells]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER taps a code into a control panel on the wall and the field covering

LISTER's cell lifts. He enteres the cell and the field drops down]

RIMMER

The plan's working, Listy. Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and

Eminence, or G.R.O.P.E. for short, is bang on course.

LISTER

That information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then? Yes!

RIMMER

The Captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two

girls wresting in a giant vat of Baked Beans, then removed the girls and

handed him a spoon.

He's never been so pleased! And, get this, he's invited me to supper with

the movers and the shakers.

LISTER

The movers and the shakers? You're going to supper with some removal men

and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?

RIMMER

At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval. Those terrible,

sneery looks he used to give me, as he stood on the touchline watching me

captain the school's skipping team. Hew was never proud of me. What other

father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of

conception?

Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way, up the ziggurat, lickety-

split.

LISTER

Well, don't forget your part of the deal.

[LISTER holds up his wrist, indicating the security bracelet]

LISTER

The override code for this so I can leg it.

RIMMER

It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet!

LISTER

The trial begins tomorrow, man! Without the nanobots our defence has got

more holes than my socks.

RIMMER

But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you

escape and losing all my insider knowledge. I'm not an officer yet.

LISTER

Woh! we shook hands on a deal!

RIMMER

Yeah but, Lister, you know me; my handshake's less reliable than a

plumber's estimate.

LISTER

No escapo, no more info.

RIMMER

Listy, its not going to help you. I've got the confidential files. Plus, I

went through Starbug's salvage, and I found these:

LISTER

The Luck virus... Sexual Magnetism.

RIMMER

Positive viruses, Holly told me everything. Take some of this, it gives

you luck, and this, gives you sexual magnetism.

I've already tried some; right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the

first twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra.

[RIMMER enters the access code into a wall panel inside the cell and steps

outside the field]

LISTER

So, you reneged on the deal, then? Breaking your promise? So you're a

total scum-sucking, two-faced, weaselly weasel?

RIMMER

Ah, my entry in "Who's Who".

[Exit RIMMER]

LISTER

You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube...

[LISTER taps a code into his security bracelet; it pops open and he pulls

it off. He enters random numbers into the wall panel and the force field

covering the entrance to his cell disappears. He steps out]

LISTER

Sheer luck...

[A third sequence of numbers this time entered into the outside wall panel

opens the exit]

[Exit LISTER]

[-- - Int. Offices -----------------------------------------------]

[CHIEF ENGINEER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, NON-SPEAKING

EXTRA, KRYTEN, MP THORNTON present]

C.ENGINEER

You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face the

charges against you. However, I advise that you have your corrupted files

repaired, after which you may go free. What is your decision?

KRYTEN

Nnnn--, nnnnn--, nnnnnnnn--, oh, its no good!

[KRYTEN whips the sidearm from MP THORNTON's hip holster]

COUNSELLOR MCLAREN

Okay, let's all stay calm! No need to be -- After all, Kryten is merely

holding us hostage, which is lovely! Isn't it, everyone? Lovely.

CMO

We don't want any trouble. We'll just do what you say.

KRYTEN

Come on, then. Come with me.

[-- - Int. Unisex toilets -----------------------------------------]

[Enter NON-SPEAKING EXTRA, MP THORNTON, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, CHIEF MEDICAL

OFFICER, CHIEF ENGINEER]

KRYTEN [OOS]

Come on, inside, inside, that's it. Come on, all of you,

quick-quick-quick-quick. There we go, that's it.

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Now, I want you to take down your pants, and sit on a toilet.

C.ENGINEER [to CMO]

My god, he's mad!

CMO

Then what're you going to do to us..?

KRYTEN

I'm going to look at you.

C.ENGINEER [to CMO]

He's totally mad!

CMO

Just... do what he says...

COUNSELLOR MCLAREN

Lovely...

[KRYTEN views each of his hostages in turn, laughing gleefully]

[The NON-SPEAKING EXTRA stares beyond KRYTEN's shoulder, clearly angry.

MP THORNTON looks rightly worried, also not meeting KRYTEN's gaze; both of

them sit with their trousers and underpants round their ankles. As does

COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, who carefully adjusts a suspender at the top of his

white, lacy stockings and glances at KRYTEN patiently. The CHIEF ENGINEER

and CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER both sit stiffly with skirts hitched up and

knickers down. The former woman crosses her arms and stares at KRYTEN with

irritation, the CMO has her head turned away and her eyes covered, highly

embarassed]

KRYTEN

Now I want you to ask me the question again.

C.ENGINEER

What question??

KRYTEN

"Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?"

CMO

Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired?

KRYTEN

Nnnnnn--, nnnnnnn--, nnnnnn-no. I did it. No, nnnnn-no, I don't. The

answer to the question is no. No doubt about it, I do not want to have my

corrupted files repaired. The answer is nnnnno!

[Enter SECURITY OFFICERS]

[Overjoyed, KRYTEN fails to notice the footsteps of the two secutity

officers who charge in behind him. One raises a hypo-gun to KRYTEN's neck

and he goes out like a light]

[-- Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI]

[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]

[A lift moving swiftly through its shaft]

[-- - Int. Inside the lift ---------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]

KOCHANSKI

-- And, you just put in any code you felt like, and the Luck virus made

you pick the right one? That's brilliant!

LISTER

Yeah, just rubbed m' finger over the top of the tube.

KOCHANSKI

That's brilliant! That's just brilliant!

[She glances at LISTER mischievously]

KOCHANSKI [teasingly]

Ahh, its a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.

[LISTER considers for a moment as KOCHANSKI shifts her attention elsewhere.

He surreptitously runs the fingertips of his left hand over his tongue.

After a moment, KOCHANSKI lets out a small sigh and turns to regard him]

KOCHANSKI

Is that a new shirt..?

LISTER

Nah... I've had it a while.

KOCHANSKI

Oh - it's really nice.

LISTER

Thanks.

KOCHANSKI

It's really, really, nice; really suits you.

LISTER

Thanks!

KOCHANSKI

Brings out the... brown-ness, in your eyes...

[Suddenly, unable to resist the combined effects of LISTER's augmented

sexual magnetism and improbable good luck, KOCHANSKI grabs his lapels and

drags him in for a kiss. Pulling off the belt of LISTER's boiler suit,

KOCHANSKI tugs the suit off his shoulders and shoves a surprised LISTER

against the lift wall, following inches behind to plant another passionate

kiss on his lips. Wasting no time, KOCHANSKI drags LISTER to the ground,

pulls of his and her own cap, and goes in for the kill. However, mere

seconds later the kissing stops as abruptly as it started and KOCHANSKI

recoils, horrified]

KOCHANSKI

Oh, god, Dave! I am *so* sorry!

[She scrambles to her feet]

KOCHANSKI

Oh! I don't know what happened there!

LISTER

I think I do. I had some Sexual Magnetism virus on this hand, but the Luck

virus cured it for me.

[LISTER scowls at his fingertips]

LISTER

Thanks, pal.

KOCHANSKI

I don't know what got into me.

LISTER

Well. Nothing, sadly.

[-- - Int. A room in darkness ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present]

[KRYTEN has electrodes fixed to his head, attached to wires which extend up

into darkness. He movements suggest he believes he is floating, as if

suspended in water]

[-- - Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]

[CHIEF ENGINEER present]

[The CHIEF ENGINEER stands in front of a panel of electronic equipment. In

front of her, a large window looks out into the dark room in which KRYTEN

is wired up to the computer system]

[CLOSE UP on video screen. A figure appears and begins narrating an

interactive diagnostic utility]

NARRATOR

Hello. I'm the Data Doctor. if you would like me to examine your hard

disk, press 'Examine'.

[THE C.ENGINEER moves a pointer and selects the named option]

[-- - CGI / live action composite --------------------------------]

NARRATOR

Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions:

affection, arrogance, envy, guilt, humour, insecurity, petulance,

possessiveness, snobbery, and love. If you wish to eradicate these

emotions from his database, press 'Fix'.

[As the option is selected, the names of various emotions appear on the

screen over a video of clip of KRYTEN exageratingly performing them. For

each, the text changes to read 'Fixed' and KRYTEN's face turns blank and

emotionless. After a few emotions, the software speeds up and simply

flashes text messages to indicate progress]

NARRATOR

All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed.

[-- - Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]

[CHIEF ENGINEER present]

NARRATOR

Please reboot your mechanoid.

[-- - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present]

NARRATOR [VO]

His personality has now been restored -

[-- - Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]

[CHIEF ENGINEER, NARRATOR present]

NARRATOR [VO]

- to its factory settings.

KRYTEN

My name is Kryten, I am programmed to serve. Can I be of service?

C.ENGINEER

Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten.

KRYTEN

Certainly, ma'am.

[KRYTEN begins to mime making a cup of coffee]

C.ENGINEER

Then you may scrub the floor.

KRYTEN

Yes, ma'am.

[KRYTEN immediately mimes pushing a mop along the floor]

C.ENGINEER

Are you happy --

[-- - Int. A room in darkness ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present]

C.ENGINEER [VO]

-- Kryten?

KRYTEN

I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to

serve.

[-- Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]

[CHIEF ENGINEER present]

C.ENGINEER

Excellent.

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER pauses at the hatchway and pulls out the tube of Sexual Magnetism

virus]

RIMMER

I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at the Captain's table with this stuff.

[RIMMER takes a sip from the tube, then strides out into the corridor. He

passes a group of female crewmembers standing talking]

WOMEN

Hi...

[RIMMER acknowledges with a smile and walks on]

[Enter two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

WOMEN

Hi...

[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]

[RIMMER, HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, four other FEMALE OFFICERS, one

other MALE OFFICER present]

RIMMER

-- And if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware we could

come across something I believe we'll experience called 'future echoes'.

Certain pockets of... futurey things. From the future.

[The CMO, looking non the worse for her earlier ordeal at the hands of

KRYTEN, is staring intently at RIMMER]

CMO

How fascinating... What a fascinating man you are, Mister Rimmer...

HOLLISTER

I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold. Now, let

me find out where that coffee is.

CMO

Oh no, Captain, please, allow me.

[She rises from her seat, then pauses]

CMO

Perhaps, ah, you could help me, Mister Rimmer..?

RIMMER

Why, certainly, and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards

universes?

[-- - Int. Galley ----------------------------------------------]

[Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER]

RIMMER

-- And, of course, in a backwards universe many things begin to make more

sense --

[The CMO has been staring at RIMMER lustily while she followed him; as soon

as they enter the galley she grabs his shoulder, spins him to face her and

smothers his lips with a kiss]

CMO

Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy!

[The CMO shove RIMMER through a door into an adjoining room marked

'Captain's Galley']

[Exit RIMMER, CMO]

[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]

[A lift moving swiftly through its shaft]

[-- - Int. Inside the lift ----------------------------------------]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]

CAT

Bravo, bud! What now?

LISTER

Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay, grab a ship and get the hell

outta town.

[The lift halts and LISTER consults a handheld device]

LISTER

He's on this floor.

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

Here he is!

Kryten, come on.

KRYTEN

Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

LISTER

What have they done to you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution

teacher!

KRYTEN

Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day.

[Exit KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI

Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to

say 'no'.

Someone's coming.

LISTER

We've got to get a better disguise.

CAT

We've already got a disguise!

LISTER

What's the point of a disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit,

Cat?

CAT

A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?? Ha!

[Exit CAT]

[-- - Int. Storage room -------------------------------------------]

[Enter CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]

LISTER

Look, we're not leaving without him. I don't care what they've done to

him, he's coming with us. He's part of the posse.

CAT

Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise!

[CAT is rummaging through a storage locker]

LISTER

What?

[CAT turns around; he wears a black mop-head on his head and has a pair of

large false teeth in his mouth]

CAT

The Dibbley family!

LISTER

Yess!

[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]

[HOLLISTER, FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER present]

[Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER]

[The pair take their seats, both breathing heavily, their clothes and hair

askew]

HOLLISTER

Ahhh, there you are! Any... news on the coffee?

[RIMMER stares for a moment, uncomprehending, before he remembers the

original reason he and the CMO left the table]

RIMMER

Drat. We forgot. I'll find out right away, sir.

[Exit RIMMER]

LARGE FEMALE OFFICER

I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer...

[Exit OFFICER]

[-- - Int. Galley -------------------------------------------------]

[RIMMER, FEMALE OFFICER present]

[Behind the closed door to the Captain's galley we see RIMMER's agonised

face pressed up ti the in-set window. The ample FEMALE OFFICER appears

behind him, smiling joyously before dragging him out of sight]

[-- - Int. Storage room -------------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present]

[The trio each have on their Dibbley disguises, and are wearing white lab

coats]

[Enter MP THORNTON, SECOND MP]

THORNTON

Sorry to interrupt... sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped

prisoners.

CAT

Sorry, we haven't seen them. Just me, my wife, here, and my brother.

LISTER

Hello!

KOCHANSKI

Hi!

LISTER

Hi.

THORNTON

I don't recollect seeing you guys before..?

CAT

That's because we don't go around much looking like this.

THORNTON

What do you guys do?

KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER

...Computer programmers.

THORNTON

Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, okay?

KOCHANSKI

Er, you bet.

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop.

[KRYTEN opens the storage locker and begins searching through it]

KRYTEN

How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing.

[KRYTEN notices the mop-heads being adjusted shiftily by the three Dwarfers

but says nothing. He peers intently at CAT]

KRYTEN

Don't I know you, sir? Wayne... Wayne, something. Wayne Wibbley? Where do

I know you from?

CAT

No, no, sir, you're mistaken. You're mixing me up with some other

big-teeth dork.

LISTER

No, let him speak.

Where do you know him from?

CAT

Are you out of your mind?

LISTER

Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think!

KRYTEN

I think I'm about to discover something wonderful, but, when I discover

it, it will put someone in great danger. I feel an emotion. I feel two

emotions; two different emotions! I feel-- I feel--

KOCHANSKI

Ambivalence?

KRYTEN

I can feel my files corrupting... they're... corrupting, I... oohh, ohhh,

oh yes, that's good! Oohh! I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within certain

sensible pre-set parameters...

HOLLY [VO]

Attention, attention! Reported prisoner sighting on C-deck, reported

prisoner sighting on C-deck!

[Exit THORNTON, SECOND MP]

LISTER

Nice one, Holl...

[LISTER notices KOCHANSKI pacing around with a frown on her face]

LISTER

What's wrong with you?

KOCHANSKI

Well, do you get the impression this is too easy? Like, everything's going

for us? Like they almost *want* us to escape!

[LISTER holds up a finger]

KOCHANSKI

Hey, I was just thinking aloud!

LISTER

No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us.

LISTER [to KRYTEN]

Put your kit on.

[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]

[HOLLISTER, CMO, three other FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER

present]

[Enter RIMMER, fifth FEMALE OFFICER]

[RIMMER is walking awkwardly, and slumps into his seat looking exhausted]

RIMMER

Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last.

HOLLISTER [annoyed]

What about the mints?

[One of the FEMALE OFFICERS seated near the captain, apparently the only one

remaining not to have learnt RIMMER's carnal knowledge, senses an

opportunity and gets to her feet]

FEMALE OFFICER

I'll go. Would you like to help me, Mister Rimmer..?

RIMMER

It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I could manage to get

any mints until tomorrow...

[Exit FEMALE OFFICER]

HOLLISTER

Well, the psychotropic testing should be well underway by now. Those

results sure are going to be interesting.

RIMMER

Psychotropic what?

HOLLISTER

The Lister case is so unusual I decided to invoke my right to use

psychotropic evidence. The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe, then

the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios and their reactions are

laid down on tape.

Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what

they do...

RIMMER

So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special

agreements... that they've entered into, then --

Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...

[Exit RIMMER]

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]

[Two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS present]

[Enter RIMMER]

WOMEN

Hi...

RIMMER

Hi!

[Exit FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

RIMMER

What is wrong with me?? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion,

no, worse, a first year nursing student!

It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac. Got to get some

control back!

[-- - Int. Medical office -----------------------------------------]

[RIMMER picks up a hypodermic filled with local anaesthetic, confirms the

contents, then empties the contents into his nether-regions. He jiggles his

hips for a moment until the effects start to kick in, then picks up a

reflex-testing mallet and thumps his groin solidly three times. Observing

no detectable sensation, he nods to himself, returns the hammer and leaves]

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER begins to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and

RIMMER begins to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the

corridor]

[Enter three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]

RIMMER

Hi.

FEMALE CREWMEMBERS

Hi...

[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]

HOLLISTER

Never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies... Maybe you can

share your secret sometime?

RIMMER

Yes, sir.

[Exit RIMMER]

[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]

[Enter two SKUTTERS]

LISTER

Guys, it's Bob and Max.

[Exit KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI]

LISTER

Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on! We're trying to escape, but you'll never

get past security, so go on! Go on!

[Exit LISTER]

[Exit SKUTTERS]

[The Skutters disappear, only to return moments later wearing miniature

mop-heads and clutching false teeth in their claws. They trundle off

after LISTER]

[-- - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------]

"TO BE CONTINUED..."

[-------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED, part 2" ---------------]