RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 2 -- "BACK IN THE RED, part 2"
[-- - CGI/Model shot ------------------------------------------------]
[RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape]
[Narrative text appears over the ship:]
"The mining ship Red Dwarf
Reconstructed together with
its original crew, by an army
of microscopic robots
Reason - smeg knows"
[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER
This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red
Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the
Space Corps:
[Cue three scenes of 'video evidence': edited clips from 'Back In The Red,
part 1']
[-- - Int. Sleeping Quarters ----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
LISTER
This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And
you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!
[...]
I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,
who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle
society.
I need your help, man.
[-- - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf --------------------------------]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
LISTER
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,
the works.
[...]
I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man,
you won't have to take exams --
[...]
Just, help me escape.
RIMMER
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of
power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to
prove it to me first.
LISTER
You're on.
RIMMER
Get me promoted.
LISTER
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile
version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
[-- - Int. Starbug wreckage -----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present]
[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the
remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such]
RIMMER
Yes!
[-- - CGI/Model shot -----------------------------------------------]
[RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape]
[-- - Int. Captain's office -----------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER stands to attention and begins a salute]
RIMMER
My captain, sir.
HOLLISTER
Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end? Err, do I have time to go for a cup
of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?
RIMMER
Nearly finished sir. It's my very special extra long salute, I reserve for
the especially important, sir.
[RIMMER completes his salute]
HOLLISTER
You wanted to see me?
RIMMER
I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir. There's a
potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir. Obviously, anyone
who mis-repaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of
a leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid
are everywhere.
I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.
HOLLISTER
Did you really think of this?
RIMMER
Permission to look smug, sir.
HOLLISTER
Permission granted.
Good work, Rimmer. Great work.
RIMMER
Oh, before I go, sir. Happy wedding anniversary, sir.
I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.
HOLLISTER
A blueberry muffin... like Martha used to make... thanks, Rimmer...
Dismissed.
RIMMER
Ah, sir, just one more thing. I know the medical guys think we've run out
of this stuff, but I discovered a couple of un-opened medi-crates in
Storage, sir. If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours - no questions
asked.
HOLLISTER
"Anus Soothe Pile Cream. The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own
special glove."
[RIMMER hands over a flat rubber glove; it has one, long, finger]
RIMMER
"One size fits all"... I could tell from your walk.
HOLLISTER
Rimmer... could you post this for me?
RIMMER
Why, certainly, sir.
Oh, its addressed to me, sir?
HOLLISTER
I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater
things.
RIMMER
And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?
HOLLISTER
This report is first rate! Now, I *want* you to come to supper. See you on
Friday. Incidentally, its black tie...
RIMMER
Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir! Though, I would prefer it if it
wasn't black... any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir?
HOLLISTER
Just go! Wear what the hell you want...
[RIMMER execute a second excrutiatingly long salute]
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- - Int. Medical bay --------------------------------------------]
[MEDIC present]
[Enter KRYTEN]
[The MEDIC, absorbed in his work, does not notice the peculiar nature of his
patient]
MEDIC
Get undressed.
[KRYTEN waddles off and disappears behind a modesty screen. Moments later
he returns to the MEDIC, having removed his black outer shell to reveal a
beige under-version]
MEDIC
Fill this up, behind the screen.
[MEDIC hands KRYTEN a specimen bottle, which he takes with him behind the
screen. When he returns, the bottle is filled with flowers]
[MEDIC tries to measure KRYTEN's blood pressure (oil pressure?), but
succeeds only in inflating the hand on the mechonoids other arm. The over-
inflated hand blows off and raspberry's its way around the room]
[-- - Int. Examination room ----------------------------------------]
[MEDIC, KRYTEN present]
[KRYTEN lies on his back on a table, legs apart and in stirrups. The MEDIC
stands between KRYTEN's legs, holding a power drill. MEDIC unscrews two
bolts, whereupon KRYTEN's head falls off and rolls out of the room]
[-- - Int. Kochanski's Quarters -----------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present]
[KOCHANSKI sits cross-legged on her bed, holding a pink fluffy toy]
[Enter NURSE, KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, hi...
[Exit NURSE]
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing here?
[KRYTEN sits down on the bed, looking tearful]
KOCHANSKI
What's wrong?
KRYTEN
I've been classified as a woman.
KOCHANSKI
A woman, why?
KRYTEN
Well, because I haven't got a... [sotto voce] *penis*...
It's a Space Corps. directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail. What's
the saying, "if you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing".
KOCHANSKI
Well, what happened, did you lose it?
KRYTEN
I was never issued with one, ma'am. Well, why would I need one, unless
somehow I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my
name in the snow.
KOCHANSKI
So, you mean, you've never had a steak, pie, peas and chips set?
KRYTEN
I think the phrase is "meat and two veg", ma'am.
No, the only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals were the ones
created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise
themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand
around cupping themselves all day.
KOCHANSKI
But hey, now you're a woman its going to mean some big changes in the way
you behave.
KRYTEN
I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am. Just overnight. They want my
permission to repair my corrupted files. Tomorrow afternoon. Restore my
factory settings!
KOCHANSKI
But your corrupted files are what makes you *you*!
KRYTEN
I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable!
KOCHANSKI
Oh!
KRYTEN
Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! Quirky!? How could they reach a
verdict like that? And as for unstable! It makes me so...
[KRYTEN's face spasms]
KOCHANSKI
Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I?
What was it supposed to be?
KRYTEN
Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it? I look like Mister
Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.
KOCHANSKI
Well, look, what are you going to do?
KRYTEN
Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am... I can't say no, they *are* my
superiors.
KOCHANSKI
Look, you've *got* to say no!
KRYTEN
I can't! They're better than me, I'm, I'm not strong enough!
KOCHANSKI
Right, here's a tip: if you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they
look like on the loo... can you see them?
KRYTEN
No, I... Ooh..! Yes, I can!
[laughs]
KOCHANSKI
Do they still seem better than you?
KRYTEN
No, ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
Do they still seem superior?
KRYTEN
No, ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
That's what you've got to do tomorrow! Just re-create that picture!
KRYTEN
It works for everyone!
KOCHANSKI
Yes!
Who are you looking at now?
KRYTEN
You, ma'am!
[laughs]
[-- - Int. Courtroom ----------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, two BAILIFFS present]
BAILIFF
Be upstanding.
[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON, CHIEF
ENGINEER]
LISTER [to KOCHANSKI]
Just relax, Rimmer's gonna help us escape. This enquiry's a piece of cake,
we're just going through the motions...
HOLLISTER
Let's get this enquiry under way.
You have refused defense assistance, is that right?
[CAT calls a huddle]
CAT
Okay, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows and we all huddle
together like this and whisper for a while before we answer. It looks like
we know what we're doing!
[CAT breaks the huddle]
CAT
We intend to defend ourselves!
[CAT signals another huddle]
CAT
You see how good that looked?
[The four break]
HOLLISTER
Are you familiar with the mind scan?
LISTER
We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
HOLLISTER
You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process, making
your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a board of
enquiry?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic
drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process
possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.
KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER
Aye.
HOLLISTER
Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.
[-- - Int. Holding cells ------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present]
[The door, really just a large opening in one wall, to the cell in which
LISTER's sits is covered by a dark, but translucent, blue forcefield that
shimmers in an unsettling sine-wave pattern. A second forcefield covers
the entrance to the cells]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER taps a code into a control panel on the wall and the field covering
LISTER's cell lifts. He enteres the cell and the field drops down]
RIMMER
The plan's working, Listy. Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and
Eminence, or G.R.O.P.E. for short, is bang on course.
LISTER
That information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then? Yes!
RIMMER
The Captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two
girls wresting in a giant vat of Baked Beans, then removed the girls and
handed him a spoon.
He's never been so pleased! And, get this, he's invited me to supper with
the movers and the shakers.
LISTER
The movers and the shakers? You're going to supper with some removal men
and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?
RIMMER
At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval. Those terrible,
sneery looks he used to give me, as he stood on the touchline watching me
captain the school's skipping team. Hew was never proud of me. What other
father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of
conception?
Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way, up the ziggurat, lickety-
split.
LISTER
Well, don't forget your part of the deal.
[LISTER holds up his wrist, indicating the security bracelet]
LISTER
The override code for this so I can leg it.
RIMMER
It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet!
LISTER
The trial begins tomorrow, man! Without the nanobots our defence has got
more holes than my socks.
RIMMER
But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you
escape and losing all my insider knowledge. I'm not an officer yet.
LISTER
Woh! we shook hands on a deal!
RIMMER
Yeah but, Lister, you know me; my handshake's less reliable than a
plumber's estimate.
LISTER
No escapo, no more info.
RIMMER
Listy, its not going to help you. I've got the confidential files. Plus, I
went through Starbug's salvage, and I found these:
LISTER
The Luck virus... Sexual Magnetism.
RIMMER
Positive viruses, Holly told me everything. Take some of this, it gives
you luck, and this, gives you sexual magnetism.
I've already tried some; right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the
first twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra.
[RIMMER enters the access code into a wall panel inside the cell and steps
outside the field]
LISTER
So, you reneged on the deal, then? Breaking your promise? So you're a
total scum-sucking, two-faced, weaselly weasel?
RIMMER
Ah, my entry in "Who's Who".
[Exit RIMMER]
LISTER
You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube...
[LISTER taps a code into his security bracelet; it pops open and he pulls
it off. He enters random numbers into the wall panel and the force field
covering the entrance to his cell disappears. He steps out]
LISTER
Sheer luck...
[A third sequence of numbers this time entered into the outside wall panel
opens the exit]
[Exit LISTER]
[-- - Int. Offices -----------------------------------------------]
[CHIEF ENGINEER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, NON-SPEAKING
EXTRA, KRYTEN, MP THORNTON present]
C.ENGINEER
You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face the
charges against you. However, I advise that you have your corrupted files
repaired, after which you may go free. What is your decision?
KRYTEN
Nnnn--, nnnnn--, nnnnnnnn--, oh, its no good!
[KRYTEN whips the sidearm from MP THORNTON's hip holster]
COUNSELLOR MCLAREN
Okay, let's all stay calm! No need to be -- After all, Kryten is merely
holding us hostage, which is lovely! Isn't it, everyone? Lovely.
CMO
We don't want any trouble. We'll just do what you say.
KRYTEN
Come on, then. Come with me.
[-- - Int. Unisex toilets -----------------------------------------]
[Enter NON-SPEAKING EXTRA, MP THORNTON, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, CHIEF MEDICAL
OFFICER, CHIEF ENGINEER]
KRYTEN [OOS]
Come on, inside, inside, that's it. Come on, all of you,
quick-quick-quick-quick. There we go, that's it.
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Now, I want you to take down your pants, and sit on a toilet.
C.ENGINEER [to CMO]
My god, he's mad!
CMO
Then what're you going to do to us..?
KRYTEN
I'm going to look at you.
C.ENGINEER [to CMO]
He's totally mad!
CMO
Just... do what he says...
COUNSELLOR MCLAREN
Lovely...
[KRYTEN views each of his hostages in turn, laughing gleefully]
[The NON-SPEAKING EXTRA stares beyond KRYTEN's shoulder, clearly angry.
MP THORNTON looks rightly worried, also not meeting KRYTEN's gaze; both of
them sit with their trousers and underpants round their ankles. As does
COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, who carefully adjusts a suspender at the top of his
white, lacy stockings and glances at KRYTEN patiently. The CHIEF ENGINEER
and CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER both sit stiffly with skirts hitched up and
knickers down. The former woman crosses her arms and stares at KRYTEN with
irritation, the CMO has her head turned away and her eyes covered, highly
embarassed]
KRYTEN
Now I want you to ask me the question again.
C.ENGINEER
What question??
KRYTEN
"Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?"
CMO
Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired?
KRYTEN
Nnnnnn--, nnnnnnn--, nnnnnn-no. I did it. No, nnnnn-no, I don't. The
answer to the question is no. No doubt about it, I do not want to have my
corrupted files repaired. The answer is nnnnno!
[Enter SECURITY OFFICERS]
[Overjoyed, KRYTEN fails to notice the footsteps of the two secutity
officers who charge in behind him. One raises a hypo-gun to KRYTEN's neck
and he goes out like a light]
[-- Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI]
[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]
[A lift moving swiftly through its shaft]
[-- - Int. Inside the lift ---------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]
KOCHANSKI
-- And, you just put in any code you felt like, and the Luck virus made
you pick the right one? That's brilliant!
LISTER
Yeah, just rubbed m' finger over the top of the tube.
KOCHANSKI
That's brilliant! That's just brilliant!
[She glances at LISTER mischievously]
KOCHANSKI [teasingly]
Ahh, its a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.
[LISTER considers for a moment as KOCHANSKI shifts her attention elsewhere.
He surreptitously runs the fingertips of his left hand over his tongue.
After a moment, KOCHANSKI lets out a small sigh and turns to regard him]
KOCHANSKI
Is that a new shirt..?
LISTER
Nah... I've had it a while.
KOCHANSKI
Oh - it's really nice.
LISTER
Thanks.
KOCHANSKI
It's really, really, nice; really suits you.
LISTER
Thanks!
KOCHANSKI
Brings out the... brown-ness, in your eyes...
[Suddenly, unable to resist the combined effects of LISTER's augmented
sexual magnetism and improbable good luck, KOCHANSKI grabs his lapels and
drags him in for a kiss. Pulling off the belt of LISTER's boiler suit,
KOCHANSKI tugs the suit off his shoulders and shoves a surprised LISTER
against the lift wall, following inches behind to plant another passionate
kiss on his lips. Wasting no time, KOCHANSKI drags LISTER to the ground,
pulls of his and her own cap, and goes in for the kill. However, mere
seconds later the kissing stops as abruptly as it started and KOCHANSKI
recoils, horrified]
KOCHANSKI
Oh, god, Dave! I am *so* sorry!
[She scrambles to her feet]
KOCHANSKI
Oh! I don't know what happened there!
LISTER
I think I do. I had some Sexual Magnetism virus on this hand, but the Luck
virus cured it for me.
[LISTER scowls at his fingertips]
LISTER
Thanks, pal.
KOCHANSKI
I don't know what got into me.
LISTER
Well. Nothing, sadly.
[-- - Int. A room in darkness ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
[KRYTEN has electrodes fixed to his head, attached to wires which extend up
into darkness. He movements suggest he believes he is floating, as if
suspended in water]
[-- - Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]
[CHIEF ENGINEER present]
[The CHIEF ENGINEER stands in front of a panel of electronic equipment. In
front of her, a large window looks out into the dark room in which KRYTEN
is wired up to the computer system]
[CLOSE UP on video screen. A figure appears and begins narrating an
interactive diagnostic utility]
NARRATOR
Hello. I'm the Data Doctor. if you would like me to examine your hard
disk, press 'Examine'.
[THE C.ENGINEER moves a pointer and selects the named option]
[-- - CGI / live action composite --------------------------------]
NARRATOR
Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions:
affection, arrogance, envy, guilt, humour, insecurity, petulance,
possessiveness, snobbery, and love. If you wish to eradicate these
emotions from his database, press 'Fix'.
[As the option is selected, the names of various emotions appear on the
screen over a video of clip of KRYTEN exageratingly performing them. For
each, the text changes to read 'Fixed' and KRYTEN's face turns blank and
emotionless. After a few emotions, the software speeds up and simply
flashes text messages to indicate progress]
NARRATOR
All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed.
[-- - Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]
[CHIEF ENGINEER present]
NARRATOR
Please reboot your mechanoid.
[-- - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
NARRATOR [VO]
His personality has now been restored -
[-- - Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]
[CHIEF ENGINEER, NARRATOR present]
NARRATOR [VO]
- to its factory settings.
KRYTEN
My name is Kryten, I am programmed to serve. Can I be of service?
C.ENGINEER
Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten.
KRYTEN
Certainly, ma'am.
[KRYTEN begins to mime making a cup of coffee]
C.ENGINEER
Then you may scrub the floor.
KRYTEN
Yes, ma'am.
[KRYTEN immediately mimes pushing a mop along the floor]
C.ENGINEER
Are you happy --
[-- - Int. A room in darkness ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
C.ENGINEER [VO]
-- Kryten?
KRYTEN
I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to
serve.
[-- Int. Engineering control room -------------------------------]
[CHIEF ENGINEER present]
C.ENGINEER
Excellent.
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER pauses at the hatchway and pulls out the tube of Sexual Magnetism
virus]
RIMMER
I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at the Captain's table with this stuff.
[RIMMER takes a sip from the tube, then strides out into the corridor. He
passes a group of female crewmembers standing talking]
WOMEN
Hi...
[RIMMER acknowledges with a smile and walks on]
[Enter two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]
WOMEN
Hi...
[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER, HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, four other FEMALE OFFICERS, one
other MALE OFFICER present]
RIMMER
-- And if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware we could
come across something I believe we'll experience called 'future echoes'.
Certain pockets of... futurey things. From the future.
[The CMO, looking non the worse for her earlier ordeal at the hands of
KRYTEN, is staring intently at RIMMER]
CMO
How fascinating... What a fascinating man you are, Mister Rimmer...
HOLLISTER
I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold. Now, let
me find out where that coffee is.
CMO
Oh no, Captain, please, allow me.
[She rises from her seat, then pauses]
CMO
Perhaps, ah, you could help me, Mister Rimmer..?
RIMMER
Why, certainly, and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards
universes?
[-- - Int. Galley ----------------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER]
RIMMER
-- And, of course, in a backwards universe many things begin to make more
sense --
[The CMO has been staring at RIMMER lustily while she followed him; as soon
as they enter the galley she grabs his shoulder, spins him to face her and
smothers his lips with a kiss]
CMO
Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy!
[The CMO shove RIMMER through a door into an adjoining room marked
'Captain's Galley']
[Exit RIMMER, CMO]
[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]
[A lift moving swiftly through its shaft]
[-- - Int. Inside the lift ----------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]
CAT
Bravo, bud! What now?
LISTER
Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay, grab a ship and get the hell
outta town.
[The lift halts and LISTER consults a handheld device]
LISTER
He's on this floor.
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
Here he is!
Kryten, come on.
KRYTEN
Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
LISTER
What have they done to you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution
teacher!
KRYTEN
Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day.
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to
say 'no'.
Someone's coming.
LISTER
We've got to get a better disguise.
CAT
We've already got a disguise!
LISTER
What's the point of a disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit,
Cat?
CAT
A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?? Ha!
[Exit CAT]
[-- - Int. Storage room -------------------------------------------]
[Enter CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]
LISTER
Look, we're not leaving without him. I don't care what they've done to
him, he's coming with us. He's part of the posse.
CAT
Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise!
[CAT is rummaging through a storage locker]
LISTER
What?
[CAT turns around; he wears a black mop-head on his head and has a pair of
large false teeth in his mouth]
CAT
The Dibbley family!
LISTER
Yess!
[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]
[HOLLISTER, FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER present]
[Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER]
[The pair take their seats, both breathing heavily, their clothes and hair
askew]
HOLLISTER
Ahhh, there you are! Any... news on the coffee?
[RIMMER stares for a moment, uncomprehending, before he remembers the
original reason he and the CMO left the table]
RIMMER
Drat. We forgot. I'll find out right away, sir.
[Exit RIMMER]
LARGE FEMALE OFFICER
I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer...
[Exit OFFICER]
[-- - Int. Galley -------------------------------------------------]
[RIMMER, FEMALE OFFICER present]
[Behind the closed door to the Captain's galley we see RIMMER's agonised
face pressed up ti the in-set window. The ample FEMALE OFFICER appears
behind him, smiling joyously before dragging him out of sight]
[-- - Int. Storage room -------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present]
[The trio each have on their Dibbley disguises, and are wearing white lab
coats]
[Enter MP THORNTON, SECOND MP]
THORNTON
Sorry to interrupt... sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped
prisoners.
CAT
Sorry, we haven't seen them. Just me, my wife, here, and my brother.
LISTER
Hello!
KOCHANSKI
Hi!
LISTER
Hi.
THORNTON
I don't recollect seeing you guys before..?
CAT
That's because we don't go around much looking like this.
THORNTON
What do you guys do?
KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER
...Computer programmers.
THORNTON
Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, okay?
KOCHANSKI
Er, you bet.
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop.
[KRYTEN opens the storage locker and begins searching through it]
KRYTEN
How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing.
[KRYTEN notices the mop-heads being adjusted shiftily by the three Dwarfers
but says nothing. He peers intently at CAT]
KRYTEN
Don't I know you, sir? Wayne... Wayne, something. Wayne Wibbley? Where do
I know you from?
CAT
No, no, sir, you're mistaken. You're mixing me up with some other
big-teeth dork.
LISTER
No, let him speak.
Where do you know him from?
CAT
Are you out of your mind?
LISTER
Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think!
KRYTEN
I think I'm about to discover something wonderful, but, when I discover
it, it will put someone in great danger. I feel an emotion. I feel two
emotions; two different emotions! I feel-- I feel--
KOCHANSKI
Ambivalence?
KRYTEN
I can feel my files corrupting... they're... corrupting, I... oohh, ohhh,
oh yes, that's good! Oohh! I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within certain
sensible pre-set parameters...
HOLLY [VO]
Attention, attention! Reported prisoner sighting on C-deck, reported
prisoner sighting on C-deck!
[Exit THORNTON, SECOND MP]
LISTER
Nice one, Holl...
[LISTER notices KOCHANSKI pacing around with a frown on her face]
LISTER
What's wrong with you?
KOCHANSKI
Well, do you get the impression this is too easy? Like, everything's going
for us? Like they almost *want* us to escape!
[LISTER holds up a finger]
KOCHANSKI
Hey, I was just thinking aloud!
LISTER
No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us.
LISTER [to KRYTEN]
Put your kit on.
[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]
[HOLLISTER, CMO, three other FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER
present]
[Enter RIMMER, fifth FEMALE OFFICER]
[RIMMER is walking awkwardly, and slumps into his seat looking exhausted]
RIMMER
Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last.
HOLLISTER [annoyed]
What about the mints?
[One of the FEMALE OFFICERS seated near the captain, apparently the only one
remaining not to have learnt RIMMER's carnal knowledge, senses an
opportunity and gets to her feet]
FEMALE OFFICER
I'll go. Would you like to help me, Mister Rimmer..?
RIMMER
It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I could manage to get
any mints until tomorrow...
[Exit FEMALE OFFICER]
HOLLISTER
Well, the psychotropic testing should be well underway by now. Those
results sure are going to be interesting.
RIMMER
Psychotropic what?
HOLLISTER
The Lister case is so unusual I decided to invoke my right to use
psychotropic evidence. The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe, then
the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios and their reactions are
laid down on tape.
Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what
they do...
RIMMER
So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special
agreements... that they've entered into, then --
Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]
[Two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS present]
[Enter RIMMER]
WOMEN
Hi...
RIMMER
Hi!
[Exit FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]
RIMMER
What is wrong with me?? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion,
no, worse, a first year nursing student!
It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac. Got to get some
control back!
[-- - Int. Medical office -----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER picks up a hypodermic filled with local anaesthetic, confirms the
contents, then empties the contents into his nether-regions. He jiggles his
hips for a moment until the effects start to kick in, then picks up a
reflex-testing mallet and thumps his groin solidly three times. Observing
no detectable sensation, he nods to himself, returns the hammer and leaves]
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER begins to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and
RIMMER begins to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the
corridor]
[Enter three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]
RIMMER
Hi.
FEMALE CREWMEMBERS
Hi...
[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]
HOLLISTER
Never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies... Maybe you can
share your secret sometime?
RIMMER
Yes, sir.
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]
[Enter two SKUTTERS]
LISTER
Guys, it's Bob and Max.
[Exit KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on! We're trying to escape, but you'll never
get past security, so go on! Go on!
[Exit LISTER]
[Exit SKUTTERS]
[The Skutters disappear, only to return moments later wearing miniature
mop-heads and clutching false teeth in their claws. They trundle off
after LISTER]
[-- - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------]
"TO BE CONTINUED..."
[-------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED, part 2" ---------------]