RED DWARF - SERIES 7 EPISODE 3 -- "OUROBOROS"

[-- 1 - Int. Empty pub ----------------------------------------------------]

underneath a zero-gravity pool table. A single word written in black

marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: 'Ouroboros'. The owner

of the box leaves without being seen>

[Enter CUSTOMER]

CUSTOMER

All right? Anyone servin' or what?

BARMAID [VO]

With you in a minute, luv.

[Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents]

[FX: baby sounds]

it up and finds a baby wrapped in blankets inside. He takes it back to the

bar>

[Enter BARMAID. She opens the metal grate that seals off the bar area]

BARMAID

'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?

CUSTOMER

Look at this - a just found it under the pool table.

BARMAID

Any note?

CUSTOMER

No, not'in'.

BARMAID

They've written its name on the side, 'ere.

'Our Rob, or Ross'

CUSTOMER

Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a ticket

tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name.

BARMAID

Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin'

terrible, no doubt...

[-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[LISTER present. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and

in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing

his teeth with his ither hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER

picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out

an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes.>

LISTER

I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that.

mouth to tinkle and lose itself against the bathroom equipment>

LISTER

Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap!

[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes]

KRYTEN

Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.

LISTER

Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.

KRYTEN

No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.

LISTER

My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.

KRYTEN

Oh, I see.

LISTER

Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that

needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting.

KRYTEN

Let me see -

LISTER

No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.

KRYTEN

Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be

revolted no matter *how* you look.

LISTER

Okay.

KRYTEN

Oh my god, it's hideous!

LISTER

Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it.

KRYTEN

It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.

LISTER

Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'.

KRYTEN

Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued

together, now be careful!

thing' before sticking his cap back into place>

KRYTEN

Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage

lockers.

LISTER

Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.

KRYTEN

Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it

out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.

LISTER

Yeah, nice one, Kryts.

KRYTEN

Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?

measurements with a tape measure>

LISTER

I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

KRYTEN

I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a

pair of driving gloves, sir.

LISTER

Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've got,

like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those

machines that shine your shoes.

KRYTEN brought with him, and puts them on>

KRYTEN

Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted. Obviously

I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.

LISTER

Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth

and we have -

LISTER

- this.

LISTER

They don't know they're born! They don't!

After a moment, his sideways motion suddenly stops. He tugs for a moment,

alarmed, before realisation dawns>

LISTER

What is *wrong* with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face!

[Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, bunny slippers and dental

floss arrangement]

CAT

Heyyy... nice outfit.

LISTER

Did you come in 'ere for a reason?

CAT

Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is *weird*

with a capital 'we'.

LISTER

Can you be a tad more scientific?

CAT

Come again?

KRYTEN

Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?

CAT

At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool!

Come see for yourself.

[Exit CAT]

LISTER

'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself...

He's losing it, he really is.

[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations]

KRYTEN

It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the

fabric of Space-Time.

CAT

It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!

LISTER

It's almost like a tear...

KRYTEN

Perhaps a temporal rift?

CAT

I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.

LISTER

Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of

'Hello!' in a nunnery.

KRYTEN

Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye

of the storm'.

LISTER

Cat -

CAT

Pshhh!

LISTER

Go for it, man. The eye of the storm.

KRYTEN

We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of

subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.

[-- x - Int. Starbug engineering deck ------------------------------------]

[This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular

feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is

now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT]

KRYTEN

According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has

temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space

to a parallel dimension.

LISTER

Let's have a goosey...

[LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT]

[-- x - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal

blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages

to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly

beneath the weight of their steps]

and pulls him up. Revealed neyond the Way is an inky blackness beneath

filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist>

KRYTEN

Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver

who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.

CAT

What the hell *is* that?

KRYTEN

'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't

seem to exist.

LISTER

Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night...

[-- x - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]

images of the Dwarfers, there is a Parallel KRYTEN, identical but for a

gold body shell; a Parallel CAT, immaculately dressed and aloof; and

finally a Parallel LISTER; smartly dressed, self-assured, and...>

P.LISTER

How's it going?

LISTER

You're a hologram...

P.LISTER

Hard light.

LISTER

So, in your dimension Lister died?

P.LISTER

In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.

LISTER

Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned?

P.LISTER

Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?

LISTER

I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...

[-- x - Int. Red Dwarf customs area --------------------------------------]

[We cut to flashback.

RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs

area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in

series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff. RIMMER

stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is

peering down the corridor, out of shot, and holds a recognition card

marked "Smeg head"]

[Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags]

RIMMER

Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L.

LISTER

I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message?

RIMMER

You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore

leave, Lister.

LISTER

Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed

some time on my own, okay?

RIMMER

Kochanski dumped you?

LISTER

Yeah.

RIMMER

She really dumped you?

LISTER

Yes!

RIMMER

But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really

heartbroken?

LISTER

I dunno, I dunno.

RIMMER

You are, aren't you!

LISTER

Okay, yes! Yes!

RIMMER

Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her:

navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake

during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you?

I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate

scum, at that.

LISTER

I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up by my bootsraps,

bub.

attention>

RIMMER

Listy -

Listy -

RIMMER

Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's

someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties;

someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink'

instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to

a cement mixer.

LISTER

This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce...

RIMMER

Oh, har har.

LISTER

Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just can't

think of a witty retort.

RIMMER

[beat]

Oh, har har.

spots her and smarms up, his introduction attracting LISTER's attention,

to KOCHANSKI's chagrin>

RIMMER

Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a

new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the

officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure

you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the

overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.

KOCHANSKI

Rimmer?

RIMMER

Yes, ma'am?

KOCHANSKI

Have sex with someone and that's an order.

RIMMER

Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

LISTER

'Ere:

LISTER

Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency.

[Exit RIMMER, flustered]

KOCHANSKI

Hi

LISTER

Mmm.

KOCHANSKI

I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was

cowardly.

LISTER

Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago.

KOCHANSKI

It was last week...

LISTER

Was it?

KOCHANSKI

Mm-hmm.

LISTER

Must've got over it -

LISTER

- just like that.

KOCHANSKI

Oh come on, Dave! It's just, we weren't going anywhere!

LISTER

How could we? We never got out of bed.

KOCHANSKI

Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery

curries and having fantastic sex.

LISTER

Frankly, I find that very hard to believe...

KOCHANSKI

I just wanted to see if we could be friends...

LISTER

Do you mean give it another go?

KOCHANSKI

No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now.

LISTER

Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit

and that big white floppy hat...

KOCHANSKI

He's a chef!

LISTER

Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club,

smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney.

Lister's shirt>

KOCHANSKI

Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board??

LISTER

What, cat-martialed?

KOCHANSKI

I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this!

LISTER

So report it, I'll only go into stasis for six months.

KOCHANSKI

Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?

LISTER

I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend...

KOCHANSKI

It breaks every reg. in the manual...

[-- x - Int. Waste disposal area -----------------------------------------]

[Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy

paintwork and large industrial machinery]

opens it. She puts the cat into the unit, closes the door and taps

commands into the console. Gazing at the cat as the unit begins to power

up, KOCHANSKI relents at the the last moment, opens the door and takes out

the cat>

KOCHANSKI

Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay??

[-- x - Int. Inside the Way ----------------------------------------------]

[Cut back to present time. We are once more withing the shimming blue

linkway]

[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present]

LISTER

So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..?

P.LISTER

Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.

LISTER

So what happenned to Kochanski?

P.LISTER

They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.

LISTER

Does that mean...

[Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on

board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with

his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be

said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged

and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red

catsuit]

himself up, finally settling for looping his dangling strands of floss back

behind his ears>

KOCHANSKI

Hi.

LISTER

You look great!

KOCHANSKI

You look pretty amazing yourself...

KOCHANSKI

So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of

Dave...

LISTER

Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed

to perfection by Time and evolution.

KOCHANSKI

I can see why you think that, yeah.

KRYTEN

Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear

self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of

that time exchanging supplies and information.

P.LISTER

We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core?

CAT

And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't

open!

KOCHANSKI

There is *something* you could do for us...

LISTER

Yeah?

KOCHANSKI

At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to

ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could -

LISTER

Yeah..?

KOCHANSKI

After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could -

LISTER

Yeah??

KOCHANSKI

Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already in

there; it just needs your... contribution.

LISTER

So it worked out for you guys, then.

LISTER

Congratulations.

Linkway, almost knocking those present off their feet. KRYTEN frantically

taps commands into his Psi-scanner>

KRYTEN

Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space!

that rips its delicate structure in two - the ragged ends seperated by a

distance of 10 feet or so. Off-balance, KOCHANSKI falls but manages to

grab the strap of a box carried by the Parallel Lister and placed on the

bottom of the tunnel. The Parallel LISTER dives on the box to stop her

dragging her support away with her, and stretches his arm down into

non-space>

P.LISTER

Chris! Give me your hand!

LISTER

Hang on to m' feet, man!

body down over the lip of the tear, reaching out to the struggling

KOCHANSKI>

CAT

It's gonna give!

and LISTER, wincing with the strain, hauls her up and onto the 'wrong' side

of the Way. Just as she reaches safety, the Gelfs launch a third salvo and

the tunnel begins to shake itself apart. A third explosion knocks everone

to the ground, KOCHANSKI herself rendered unconscious. The two crews are

forced back into their respective ships - the link between their two

dimensions lost...>

[-- x - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously

hovering over her. Her eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms around

LISTER and pulls him close to her]

KOCHANSKI

I thought I'd lost you!

LISTER

I think you've mistaken --

KOCHANSKI

Shh!

lets him go>

KOCHANSKI

You were saying?

LISTER

Forget it...

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that

you're --

LISTER

Er, not now, Kryten, man.

KRYTEN

But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that

you're --

LISTER

I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something!

KRYTEN

B - Permission to speak, sir?

LISTER

Permission refused!

KOCHANSKI

Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay...

LISTER

I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister...

KRYTEN

Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!

LISTER

Were you!?

KRYTEN

If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that

yukkiness.

KOCHANSKI

Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman

who's half-insensible??

LISTER

I was gonna tell you, honestly! But they always told me in school it's

rude to talk with your mouth full.

KOCHANSKI

Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you? Priscilla, Queen of Deep

Space?? No way! I've got to get that linkway back!

LISTER

It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.

[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit --------------------------------------------]

[CAT present, at the helm]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI]

CAT

It's back on our tail!

LISTER

What is it?

CAT

Some Gelf battle cruiser.

a particularly hideous, hairy Gelf. KRYTEN tears it off>

KRYTEN

They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.

LISTER

Oh my god, it's the missus.

KOCHANSKI

The what?

KRYTEN

Mr Lister's Gelf bride.

CAT

We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.

KOCHANSKI

He married this??

CAT

He had to.

KOCHANSKI

You mean..?

LISTER

We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part!

KOCHANSKI

You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd

be out on stalks!

KRYTEN

Wait! They're opening comms channels -

Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law,

seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-

kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk-

aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.

CAT

You'll *what*, officer B-B?

KOCHANSKI

Quadrant 4-niner-2, stroke G8-7, moving across to quadrant 2 to Q4-1

stroke 9. Just, follow my co-ords.

CAT

Your cords?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah, my co-ords.

CAT

You want me to follow your cords??

KOCHANSKI

Is that a problem?

CAT

Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..?

KOCHANSKI

Co-ordinates...

CAT

Co-ordinates! Thank you!

surface of an ice planet where Cat begins to thread Starbug through the

glaciers, the Gelf cruiser barelling along behind them>

KOCHANSKI

Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg...

They're right on our tails.

Hold this line... keep holding... *keep* holding... lift now!

and the rest of the ship, upwards and clear of the glacial wall they were

heading for. The Gelf ship, with it's extra bulk and lack of

manouvrability, crashes headlong into the glacier>

CAT

Really snazzy!

[-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

[Enter KRYTEN. His general atitude and short, heavy movements, show that

he is obviously agitated about something]

KRYTEN

Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of

time.

LISTER

I know. It's good, isn't it!

KRYTEN

No, sir. I don't believe it is.

LISTER

What, don't you like her?

KRYTEN

I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a...

bossy old trollop she is!

KRYTEN

She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out to

compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw!

Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that's

made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'.

LISTER

What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several

seconds after sex?

KRYTEN

He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

LISTER

Jesus...

KRYTEN

A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about...

relationships...

LISTER

Eurgh!

KRYTEN

We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir.

LISTER

Where does that leave me?

KRYTEN

Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her

rightful ship.

She can't stay here, sir. She just can't!

LISTER

{Kryten, man}, are you okay?

KRYTEN

I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her!

[KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched, like

he's on the verge of bursting into tears]

LISTER

Why's that so terrible?

KRYTEN

She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it!

LISTER

What??

KRYTEN

I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen* *her*

*naked*!

LISTER

So?

KRYTEN

She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like...

LISTER

Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos.

KRYTEN

But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her

more!

LISTER

I won't.

KRYTEN

You will!

LISTER

I won't!

KRYTEN

You will!

LISTER

I won't! I won't! I *won't*!

KRYTEN

You promise?

LISTER

I promise.

KRYTEN

So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said

"Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer

to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do?

LISTER

[beat]

What kind of sheets would they be?

KRYTEN

Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

LISTER

What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?

KRYTEN

The green square ones.

LISTER

So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you?

[beat]

Can I do final fold and stack?

KRYTEN

Absolutely.

LISTER

Well it'd be the sheets, then.

KRYTEN

Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all

inny and outy?

LISTER

It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.

KRYTEN

Really?

LISTER

Too true.

KRYTEN

[beat]

You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why

can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn't have any

in-and-out bits, hardly at all.

LISTER

There's no one I care more about than you, okay!

KRYTEN

I'd never dump you like she did! Never!

LISTER

It's not gonna change.

KRYTEN

Never?

LISTER

Never.

KRYTEN

[beat]

You're lying!!

LISTER

I'm *not* lying!!

KRYTEN

Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the

Nova 5!

LISTER

You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All

right, it was an accident, but nevertheless...

KRYTEN

But what about before that? it was the same on the SS Augustus.

LISTER

They all died of old age!

KRYTEN

You see!?!

[-- x - Model shot-------------------------------------------------------]

[-- x - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations]

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of

here.

KOCHANSKI

I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't

re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro-

magnetic phasing frequencies.

CAT

You took the words right out of my mouth!

KRYTEN

Have you tried inverting the signal?

KOCHANSKI

We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.

CAT

I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is.

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

KRYTEN

It's the, er, big red button, there, sir.

CAT

Hey, officer Butt-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive?

Taken care of.

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[KOCHASNKI present, working at a pertable terminal]

[Enter KRYTEN. He sits at a second terminal]

KOCHANSKI [pensively]

You don't like me, do you?

KRYTEN

Ma'am?

KOCHANSKI

You don't, do you?

KRYTEN

Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to

re-establish the linkway.

KOCHANSKI

But why --

KRYTEN

Please!

KOCHANSKI

I mean --

KRYTEN

Ma'am!

KOCHANSKI

I need to know why!

KRYTEN

Do you indeed?

KOCHANSKI

Yes.

KRYTEN

Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk

around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the

likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching

him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary!

KOCHANSKI

[beat]

You've got big problems, you know that, don't you?

KRYTEN

Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people.

KOCHANSKI

Ha - Have you seen the way *you* walk??

KRYTEN

I have a perfectly sensible walk!

At least I don't walk like this:

held out delicately>

KOCHANSKI

Phaser frequency 434 - we've got it back!

KRYTEN

What? You're right, that's it!

KOCHANSKI

I can leave!

KRYTEN

You can leave!

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]

KRYTEN

Champagne, everyone! if this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know

what does!

CAT

What are we celebrating exactly?

her with his head and mouths 'She's leaving!' KOCHANSKI turns to the mech

who instantly smiles warmly at her>

KRYTEN

You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful!

KOCHANSKI

Thanks, Kryten...

KRYTEN

I must go and find the others.

[-- x - Int. Gantry within Starbug --------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

This is for you.

Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo.

KOCHANSKI

Wow...

LISTER

Our child...

KOCHANSKI

I'll... you know.

LISTER

I know.

KOCHANSKI

As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you -

LISTER

Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like

me.

KOCHANSKI

What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no

explanation...

LISTER

I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I

didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came

from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or

'Ross'.

KOCHANSKI

Well... I'll look after it. You know I will.

LISTER

Yeah, I know.

[Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry

railing]

KRYTEN

Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here...

[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

KOCHANSKI

Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings

it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.

LISTER

See ya...

KOCHANSKI

Bye.

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, carrying boxes]

LISTER

What's this?

CAT

Supplies from Butt-Babe's ship.

LISTER

No, *this*

KRYTEN

Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own

tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no

beginning or end.

LISTER

What's it doing on 'ere?

KRYTEN

The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries;

everlasting.

LISTER

Ourobo-what??

KRYTEN

Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol.

CAT

What is it, bud?

LISTER

Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..!

CAT

What was?

LISTER

The message that was written on the side of my box!

CAT

You came in a box? That explains everything.

LISTER

I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now!

KRYTEN

Explain, sir!?

LISTER

The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo - it's

me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave

me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box

to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!

CAT

You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get

printed.

LISTER

I've gotta get that test tube back.

[Exit LISTER]

[-- x - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------]

[P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

[Enter LISTER, running to catch up]

LISTER

Mum! Wait!

KOCHANSKI

What?

LISTER

I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!

[The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly]

KOCHANSKI

It's what??

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]

KRYTEN

The Gelfs are back!

the Dwarfers and is doing all in its power to break the trans-dimensional

connection. It fires a second shot and the tortured Linkway shudders and

tears apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong

Dimension. This time, she isn't going to put up with it. Setting her

sights on the ragged ledge of the linkway that floats temptingly just feet

away, she shrugs off her jacket and unclips her heavy belt>

LISTER

What are you doing?

KOCHANSKI

I'm gonna jump!

CAT

You'll never make it!

LISTER

Chris, no!!

Spread almost flat, she falls short by mere centimeters and plummets into

the blackness of non-space>

P.LISTER

Christine!!

KRYTEN

We've lost her, sir.

LISTER

No.

No!

P.LISTER

Christine!!

LISTER

Yeah?

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

Hi, it's me.

LISTER

Hi -

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

I've decided to stay; just, one proviso -

LISTER

Yeah?

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

Save my life, okay?

[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids

off containers as quickly as possible]

LISTER

Cargo bay; looking now!

LISTER

What's this??

KRYTEN

It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

LISTER

A crossbow?

KRYTEN

I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach!

CAT

Rope?

LISTER

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[LISTER sprints OOV]

[-- x - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------]

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..!

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]

rope to a crossbow bolt and takes careful aim through the telescopic sight.

Sweat beading on his brow, his finger tenses; he knows that a stray shot

will end the life of the only woman he has ever truly loved - in more ways

than one.

He pulls the trigger, and the bolt hurls itself into the abyss. The pile

of rope uncoiles with dizzying speed as the the bolt arcs through the

blackness - until it embeds itself solidly, clear through Kochanski's right

thigh>

KOCHANSKI

Aaarg!

sides of her leg>

KOCHANSKI

Bastard!

takes it from LISTER's pocket. KRYTEN listens, his eyes widening>

KRYTEN

It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.

[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

KRYTEN

I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've

gone all mushy on you.

KOCHANSKI

I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.

KRYTEN

It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired...

[His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched]

KRYTEN

We're *stuck* with you!

KOCHANSKI

I'm gonna try, *anyway*.

Standing, KRYTEN sees that the back of her gown has got fastened in the

waistband of her undershorts>

KRYTEN

Oh, ma'am -

KOCHANSKI

Yes, Kryten?

KRYTEN

Welcome aboard...

KOCHANSKI

Thanks, Kryten.

[-- x - Int. An empty pub ------------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in

blankets]

LISTER

For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren't*,

man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us

going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct.

We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'.

I'll see ya, son.

gently slides the box underneath>

[Exit LISTER]

[--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS" ---------------------------]