RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 6 -- "PETE, part 1"

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[-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present]

[ENTER LISTER, RIMMER]

HOLLISTER

I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected

officer yesterday.

RIMMER

That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir -

Oh, I *see*...

HOLLISTER

What happenned?

LISTER

We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his

asthma inhaler, sir.

HOLLISTER

Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for

being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's

wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...

RIMMER

Permission to snigger, sir?

HOLLISTER

Permission refused.

RIMMER

May have to snigger anyway, sir...

[The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that]

HOLLISTER

Do either of you have anything to say?

LISTER

About what, sir?

HOLLISTER

About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit?

LISTER

Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.

HOLLISTER

You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to

get out? Ever?

LISTER

It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir.

ACKERMAN

I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but

most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered

the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum*

who didn't have my start in life.

RIMMER

Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him:

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[Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined

up at the base of a circular chamber]

ACKERMAN

Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of

trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor

13.

CAT

Seems like a nice guy!

[ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him

several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet]

ACKERMAN

If you want to speak, ask my permission.

CAT

I was just saying how nice you seemed!

ACKERMAN

You spoke again.

[Enter WARDEN KNOT]

[ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing

winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again]

CAT

But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to

be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you

sometimes get running around prisons.

[ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this

soon passes in favour of an amused smile]

ACKERMAN

You spoke again!

[He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear

of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the

shoulder]

CAT

Come on, dude, back me up!

[LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT

suddenly realises something]

CAT

Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop

hitting me.

[CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly

his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back

onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at

working out this conundrum]

CAT

That is definitely the key!

[CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second

GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling]

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[HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present]

ACKERMAN

That is totally untrue, sir!

HOLLISTER

Save it.

ACKERMAN

What actually happenned -

HOLLISTER

Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.

I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up

with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a

team of guards led by Mister Ackerman -

ACKERMAN

God bless you, sir.

HOLLISTER

- where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate

population.

RIMMER

But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!

HOLLISTER

You better win, then!

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[Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them]

[Half-time sounds]

[Score 48-3 to guards]

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HOLLISTER

Okay guys, way to go!

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KRYTEN

Where were you?

KOCHANSKI

Where was I?

KRYTEN

You were supposed to be picking up Rice!

KOCHANSKI

I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.

KRYTEN

Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.

CAT

Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!

LISTER

Got it all taken care of...

RIMMER

As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice...

LISTER

Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for

us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their

love lives?

KRYTEN

'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?

LISTER

That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks.

RIMMER

Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't

wear off for seven hours.

KRYTEN

For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!

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KRYTEN [OOS]

That's going to seriously slow them down.

CAT [OOS]

You're not kidding -

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CAT

Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!

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HOLLISTER

Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter!

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HOLLISTER

Go on, go get 'em!

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[Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move

fast]

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HOLLISTER

Come on! Get your hands up!

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[48-5]

[48-19]

[48-36]

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HOLLISTER

Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!

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[48-42]

[48-49]

[48-53]

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[Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of

juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his

trousers]

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[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]

HOLLISTER

Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts

until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the

toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a

lift!

Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?

LISTER

Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER

How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.

LISTER

It was, er - [coughs]

It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab

for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't

accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.

HOLLISTER

First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my

sight, both of ya's...

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[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three-

hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER]

RIMMER

Ha!

[RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before

settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on

his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at]

LISTER

Sheesh...

RIMMER

Stuck?

LISTER

Yeah... God, this is hard!

RIMMER

What are you doing, a crossword?

LISTER

No, join-the-dots.

RIMMER

What number are you stuck on?

LISTER

Hundred and twenty-four.

RIMMER

Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four...

Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five?

LISTER

I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm

not some brain-dead simpleton.

Ah! There it is.

Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade!

[LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection]

LISTER

Look at that, it's clever that, innit?

[Enter GUARD]

RIMMER

Ah! Supper!

[Exit GUARD]

RIMMER

Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

RIMMER

I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a

total idiot would eat this.

[RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful]

RIMMER

They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat

would taste better than this.

LISTER

We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.

RIMMER

Because we're on punishment detail?

LISTER

Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have

gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.

RIMMER

You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you.

LISTER

He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.

RIMMER

Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.

LISTER

His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness.

RIMMER

Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every

time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they

don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for

fear of skid starts.

[LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs]

LISTER

He's probably right.

RIMMER

Course he isn't.

LISTER

Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?

RIMMER

I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let

you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your

cheese.

LISTER

Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath

are always so cheap.

RIMMER

Cos of all the flushing planes?

LISTER

Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue,

and every time you go out you've got to wear a washable hat and leg it to

your car.

RIMMER

It's the noise. That's why houses under the flightpath are so cheap;

because of the noise.

LISTER

The noise?

RIMMER

Yeah.

LISTER

They're half a mile up. You'd never be able to hear people on the loo from

that distance. Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan.

RIMMER

Not eating?

LISTER

Yeah, yeah. In a minute.

[quiet taps are heard]

[Lister opens a roof panel, and a Skutter leans in holding a foil covered

container. Lister takes it, opens it and breathes deeply]

LISTER

Ooohhhh, chicken vindaloo...

Nice one, Bob.

[The Skutter disappears, then pops down again holding a six-pack of lager]

LISTER

What about the poppadums, you didn't forget them, did ya?

[The Skutter passes down a brown paper bag]

LISTER

Ha haaa!

Poppadums...

LISTER

Here's a little something for you...

[He sprays the Skutter liberally with WD40]

LISTER

Same time tomorrow!

[Skutter disappears and Lister closes the roof panel]

LISTER

Cheers.

RIMMER

Is that the Skutter who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball

game?

LISTER

Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob. 'A claw in every pie'.

RIMMER

Tomorrow we're on spud-duty, and those knives are supposed to be as sharp

as a Chemistry teacher's cardigan. Do you reckon he can get us a couple of

good potato peelers?

LISTER

Hang on, I'm on to something here...

Forget the potato peelers, what we want is one of those programmable

viruses from the science block...

RIMMER

Programmable what?

LISTER

Yeah, they used to be on... Z-deck... I wonder if the nano's have

reconstructed *them*? You can program them to do whatever you want: eat

potato skins, you name it.

RIMMER

So we could program them to eat the skins off the potatos, and leave the

rest intact?

LISTER

We wouldn't have to lift a finger!

RIMMER

Two weeks of hell would become 'potato paradise'!

LISTER

I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus, she'll take a message for us.

RIMMER

Bob has a missus?

LISTER

Yeah, Madge. She's amazing; nought to sixty in under ten minutes.

[LISTER begins tapping a complex message on a pipe]

[taps come back, and a long 'dialogue' takes place]

LISTER

Damn.

RIMMER

Can't he help us?

LISTER

No, wrong number.

I got the Chinese laundry.

Do you need anything ironing?

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"Destination: S.S. Manny Celeste

Mission: Locate missing Canary battalion, radio contact lost at 4:53am"

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[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

KRYTEN

Now remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship. Vanished

without trace. We must stick together -

[Exit CAT, KOCHANSKI]

KRYTEN

- and remain constantly vigilant. One minute, everything's fine, then you

lose concentration for a split second, and you're all alone and easy

pickings for some hostile lifeform.

Oh, I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot when it comes to safety

procedures, but it's staying alert that has kept us all - kept us -

Hello?

Oh Creator, I'm on my own...

[Enter CAT]

CAT

Hey, buddy! We're in here!

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[KOCHANSKI present]

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]

KRYTEN

What is the point of me giving my 'stay alert, everyone' pep-talk if no

one is listening?

CAT

What?

KOCHANSKI

Look at this.

[At the other side of the room are five male members of the Canaries. All

of them stand perfectly still, like a peculiar Madame Tussauds exhibit]

[KOCHANSKI taps her watch and activates HOLLY, who takes residence on a

wall monitor]

KOCHANSKI

What are they, Holl?

HOLLY

They look uncannily like something you should be very, very afraid of.

CAT

What?

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HOLLY

Mime artists.

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HOLLY

The ones you get in those trendy town centres, that chase you down the

street, and then freeze when you look at them, and everyone laughs at you.

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KRYTEN

I've never seen anything like this before. A group of men who display all

the normal lifesigns, but seem totally incapable of movement.

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HOLLY

Never seen QPR play away, then?

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[KOCHANSKI plucks a small device from the hand of one the men]

KOCHANSKI

'Tempus'; that's Latin for 'time'.

CAT

Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships.

KRYTEN

Somehow this device appears to have caused Time to freeze. Obviously, they

used it erroneously.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[KRYTEN presses something on the device, and blue arcs of apparant

electrcity arc outwards from it and play over the five Canaries, almost

instantaneously they flash back into motion]

CANARY

Where did -

[The men freeze solid again. An awkward pause ensues, until:]

CANARY

- you come from? And how did -

- you get hold of that? It's some kind of tem-

-poral stor-

-age unit -

KRYTEN

Extraordinary!

CAT

Hey, this could be a great device for settling arguments!

CANARY

Don't mess -

- with that thing, it can re-

-lly screw -

-ew-ew-ew -

- you up!

KRYTEN

It appears to be able to digitise Time, and then download it and store it

on a hard drive. This 'purer' Time can then be uploaded into objects, or

places.

KOCHANSKI

To freeze people?

KRYTEN

Er, technically they're not frozen, ma'am, merely operating in a different

'Time stream'.

KOCHANSKI

So you mean they're moving, just incredibly slowly?

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HOLLY

About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress. That's why they

don't appear to be actually doing anything.

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KOCHANSKI

So, this device has the ability to make Time come to a complete stop?

What else can it do?

[KRYTEN zaps KOHANSKI and CAT, who both instantly turn into younger versions

of themselves. They appear to be aged about six years old]

KOCHANSKI

What's happenned!? Kryten, why are you so big, and why do I suddenly feel

like a Vimto??[word?]

CAT

Waahhhh! You gotta get me back to normal!

KOCHANSKI

Do something! I can't go back like this!

KRYTEN

Why not? You may only be three feet tall but you're both as cute as

buttons!

[KRYTEN zaps both of back to their normal age, but CAT now sports an

enormous afro, and KOCHANSKI's hair falls lank and straight from a

centre-parting down almost to her waist]

KOCHANSKI

Eeuuur! What's happenned to my hair!?

CAT

And what's happenned to mine!

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HOLLY

You look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song contest.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN

It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest

of you.

Compensating:

[A third zap, and KOCHANSKI suddenly finds herself wearing skin-tight,

multi-coloured hipsters, a sequinned boob-tube and red stillettos. CAT is

also dressed in similar disco-wear, including a fearsome tanktop and

startling white boots]

KRYTEN

Now its regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLY

And you *still* look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song

contest.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[KRYTEN finally succeeds in restoring the pair to normal]

KOCHANSKI

So, here's the question: can you unfreeze these guys but take them back in

Time so they have no memory of finding this?

KRYTEN

I think so, ma'am. Why?

KOCHANSKI

If we can smuggle this back on Red Dwarf, it can make our prison terms

pass in seconds!

KRYTEN

Leave this to me. I have an excellent place to conceal it.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]

[They return to Red Dwarf and check in through security. KRYTEN has managed

to somehow enlarge his metal skull, heightening it enough to hold the

device inside]

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[A Skutter, whistling the theme tune to the classic war flick 'The Great

Escape', passes LISTER and RIMMER in a corridor. LISTER stealthily snatches

a small container from its claw as they pass]

LISTER

Nice - one - Bob...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Standing before the potato mountain, LISTER sprinkles their pre-programmed

virus liberally over the foot of the pile while RIMMER looks on. Exhausting

his supply, the pair stand back and wait. And wait]

RIMMER

It's not working, is it?

LISTER

Give it a bit of time to get going.

RIMMER

Look... look!

It's working on this one...

LISTER

Yess!

RIMMER

And here's another!

LISTER

Yess!

RIMMER

And another!

LISTER

Yesss!

RIMMER

And *another*!

Fan-smegging-tastic! Listy, we're on our way! They're gonna do the whole

damn room in minutes!

LISTER

Hey, what's happenned to your sleeve, man?

RIMMER

What?

[The right sleeve of RIMMER's coveralls seems to have been ripped away at

the elbow]

LISTER

Your sleeve; I didn't notice that before..?

RIMMER

My God, they're eating my clothes!

[LISTER laughs uproariously as RIMMER slaps at his clothes madly, which are

disintegrating before his eyes by the second. Pulling his cap off in order

to better slap away the virus, half of his hair comes off with it, and even

the cap has more than half vanished before he gets in more than a few slaps

with it. Still enjoying the spectacle, LISTER suddenly notices that his own

sleeve has dissolved, as well as much of his trousers and a part of his

right boot. It doesn't take long before both of them are completely

starkers and quite, quite bald]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER

Well?

RIMMER

It wasn't me, sir, it was him. He made me do it.

LISTER

You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk?

RIMMER

Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk.

HOLLISTER

If I ever - *ever* - see you in this office again, then you're in the

Hole, is that what you want?

RIMMER, LISTER

No, sir.

HOLLISTER

Well then, get out.

[Gestures towards the door]

RIMMER

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[Misunderstanding the CAPTAIN's gesture, RIMMER shakes his outstretched hand

sincerely. The pair of them grab papers from the CAPTAIN's desks in order

to cover themselves, then suddenly stare at the CAPTAIN with worried

expressions. One of HOLLISTER's sleeves has disappeared... The CAPTAIN

sees their faces and rests his head in his hand resignedly]

HOLLISTER

You haven't been down to the medi-bay to get this virus off, have you...

RIMMER

I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand, sir. That was probably a

mistake.

LISTER

Big mistake, sir.

RIMMER

I, um - we'll... We'll be going, sir.

LISTER

Right now.

HOLLISTER

That's it! Two months! In the Hole!

LISTER

Sir? What about my Athelete's Hand?

HOLLISTER

Now!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[The Canaries are standing in line before a food dispenser. Each prisoner

presses a hand to a scanner and then taps a meal code into the system in

order to receive their rations]

KRYTEN

Straight after lunch, we zap the ship with a two year download of Time,

and the records will show that we've served our sentences, and are free to

be released!

KOCHANSKI

This machine's amazing! D'you think it can do boob jobs, too? Obviously,

I'm just thinking about the future...

[A fracas is occurring just ahead of KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI, up at the

dispensing hatch. CAT, in entering his hand-print, has apparantly knocked

against the man in front of him. The burly prisoner pushes CAT up against

the machinery and looks none too pleased]

BAXTER

You spilled my soup!

[The man passes his full tray to another prisoner]

CAT

Sorry, Baxter! Non-bud! It was an accident!

[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing

hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]

BAXTER

Hot Bovril!

CAT

Aaaagghhh!

[Dragging out the bedraggled moggy, BAXTER grabs CAT's hand, bends over his

fingers until the middle digit is clearly extended, and uses CAT's finger

to re-enter the meal code into the dispenser. A fresh tray appears in the

hatch, which BAXTER steals, before taking back his own tray, growling at

CAT, and stomping away]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT sit together at a table in the refectory. Across

the room, BAXTER is seated with several of his cronies. The big man is

ripping into a chicken leg from one of the trays]

KRYTEN

Look at him... the big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after *him*.

He'd need a sander to get rid of the tidemark, and a leaf-vac to hoover the

hair!

CAT

Fix him! Fix him with the Time wand!

KRYTEN

Watch this!

[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into

something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the

table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the

man beside him in the face, then jumps to his feet, looking for a culprit.

Oblivious, CAT cackles heartily, until he turns around and sees BAXTER

glaring at him. The burly man makes a dive at CAT, but KRYTEN hurriedly

bangs instructions into the newly-christened 'Time Wand', and zaps BAXTER,

freezing him in mid-air. KRYTEN them freezes BAXTER's two remaining

conscious friends, and the three of them make good their escape]

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[Enter LISTER, RIMMER]

BIRDMAN [OOS]

'Ello!

LISTER

Ehh? There's someone in here with us!

[Enter BIRDMAN]

[BIRDMAN is a wiry, grey-haired Welshman, who holds a small bird lovingly

in his hand]

BIRDMAN

Yeah, it's that bloke sittin' next to you.

LISTER

Who are you? What's *your* name?

BIRDMAN

They call me 'Birdman'.

LISTER

Oh aye? Why's that?

RIMMER

Because he really likes instant custard; why do you *think*?

BIRDMAN

This is Pete; 'E's nine years old... which, in sparrow years, is, er...

nine years old. So that makes him, er...

RIMMER

Nine..?

BIRDMAN

Nine, that's right! You met him before, 'ave you?

RIMMER

Two months of this, God!

[A circle of burning metal forms on the ground]

LISTER

What's this?

[The circular section of floor drops away and a Skutter pops up through the

hole, whistling the theme to The Great Escape]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in

progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs

motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]

[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]

RIMMER

What happenned to everyone?

LISTER

It's like they're all frozen on the spot.

RIMMER

Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

LISTER

Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!

[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and

catches it then pockets it]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT present]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]

KOCHANSKI

Hey!

LISTER

Guys!

KOCHANSKI

Heyy.

KRYTEN

Oh, sirs!

CAT

Buddies!

RIMMER

This, is 'Birdman'.

BIRDMAN

And this is Pete.

KOCHANSKI

We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets

of it, and we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a *nanosecond*!

KRYTEN

Hats off, sirs...

[RIMMER and LISTER awkwardly remove their caps, and KRYTEN zaps them both

with the Time Wand, restoring their haircuts to their previous state]

BIRDMAN

There's somethin' wrong with Pete...

LISTER

What?

BIRDMAN

'E's gone all stiff!

RIMMER

He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice.

LISTER

Not that kind of stiff; he's dead!

BIRDMAN

The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!

LISTER

He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.

KRYTEN

I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him

back to life; make him young and strong again.

Watch:

[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's

is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,

losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the

floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there

is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]

LISTER

Holy...

RIMMER

Smeg!

[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed

humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]

LISTER

Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from??

KRYTEN

From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod

family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!

CAT

There's an old Cat saying, which has particular relevance here; it goes

something like this: "we are all gonna die!"

[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like

object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's

smooth central claw]

BIRDMAN

Pete? Is that you, Pete?

KOCHANSKI

Birdman!

[Finding his glasses at last, Birdman realises there are some serious

problems of scale going on. He looks up, and up, and up. Pete stares back,

pauses, then sneezes messily in Birdman's direction]

RIMMER

Gezundtheit!

BIRDMAN

You want some seed..?

[Pete roars, and the Dwarfers wince as the T-Rex leans down, jaws wide]

BIRDMAN

That's a 'no' then, is it?

KRYTEN

What now, sir?

RIMMER

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

"TO BE CONTINUED..."

[------------------------- END OF "PETE, part 1" -------------------xx:xx--]