RED DWARF Series 6 Episode 5 -- "Rimmerworld"

1 Model. Starbug flypast.

2 Int. Starbug Medical Lab.

KRYTEN is pressing buttons on a control panel, while

RIMMER lies on a bench.

KRYTEN

(Moving to the end of the bench) Well, that's

finished the tests sir. We just have to wait while

the Navicomp processes the results. Unfortunately

I have had to allow for the fact that you cheated

at your eye tests.

RIMMER

(Sitting up) What do you mean, cheated?

KRYTEN

There's no point in lying sir. You crept in here

last night, knowing you were going to have a

medical, and you copied the eye charts onto your

shoes.

RIMMER

I admit I might have taken a peek, but I'm a

competitive man Kryten, always have been. That's

what makes me what I am.

KRYTEN

We're all perfectly well aware of what you are

sir. Oh, the results. (Moves over to the panel,

and returns with a small piece of card)

RIMMER

(Standing) Ah, everything tickedyboo?

KRYTEN

Would you like to take a seat for a moment sir?

RIMMER

(Sitting on the bench) Problem?

KRYTEN

You don't have any next of kin, do you sir?

RIMMER

No, they all died of heart attacks. And not just

heart attacks - aneurysms, strokes, brain clots,

you name it.

KRYTEN

Are you of the school that, when faced with bad

news, prefers to hear that news naked and

unvarnished, or are you of the ilk that prefers to

live in happy and blissful ignorance of the

nightmare you're facing.

RIMMER

Ignorance, every time.

KRYTEN

(Very cheerily) Congratulations sir! You've come

storming through your medical with flying colours.

See you next time.

RIMMER

Everything's OK then?

KRYTEN

Absolutely peachy.

RIMMER

I want to know, Kryten, if there's something

wrong.

KRYTEN

If there were something wrong, sir, I would tell

you.

RIMMER

Even if I'd asked you not to?

KRYTEN

Well no. In that case I would lie and tell you

everything was absolutely peachy.

RIMMER

Kryten, I want to know, that's why I asked for a

medical. Is there bad news?

KRYTEN

Lie mode cancel. Yes sir, I'm afraid there is.

RIMMER

(Half sitting up, clutching chest) I knew it. It's

the headaches isn't it. And the heart palpitations

and the blackouts and the chest pains and the

voices. It's something to do with that isn't it?

KRYTEN

Sir, when you died you were recreated as a

hologram and your exact personality was refined to

an algorithm and duplicated electronically. If

that algorithm contained a flaw, that flaw would

be duplicated also.

RIMMER

Flaw?

KRYTEN

It's not common, but it's possible for a hologram

to die.

RIMMER

Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your

nose between your cheeks and make it the filling

of a buttock sandwich.

KRYTEN

As a result of both genetics and environment you

are particularly prone to stress-related nervous

disorders, and your activities over the past

couple of years have pushed your brain to, well

frankly beyond breaking point. (RIMMER starts

breathing heavily, and moves over to what looks

like a deep sleep booth) Your T count, which is

the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure, is

higher than a hippy on the third day of an open

air festival, and if you wish to avoid a gigantic

electronic aneurysm, it is imperative that you

start on a program of relaxation.

RIMMER

I see, and you thought that the best way for me to

start this program of relaxation was to tell me my

brains are about to explode. You've got the

bedside manner of an abattoir giblet gutter.

KRYTEN

Here's what I suggest. Try and avoid all stressful

situations. Spend more time in your hard light

form and take a little exercise. And here (moving

over to a cupboard), try these Chinese worry balls

whenever you feel anxious or tense. (RIMMER looks

at the balls suspiciously)

LISTER

(Entering) Hey, maybe some good news. Come and

check it out. (Leaves)

RIMMER

Er, Kryten, I don't want the others to know about

this. I want you to behave as if everything's

absolutely normal.

KRYTEN

As you wish sir.

3 Model. Starbug approaching Simulant ship.

4 Int. Starbug Cockpit

LISTER

There she blows.

CAT

Logging onto the ident computer.

RIMMER

(Entering, standing by LISTER's chair) What's this?

LISTER

We've come across the simulant ship we totalled a

couple of weeks back. We're gonna try and board it

for supplies.

KRYTEN

Is that wise sir? The scan says the superstructure

is highly unstable and could go at any time.

RIMMER

What if some of the simulants have survived?

CAT

There's an old Cat saying: "If you're gonna eat

tuna, expect bones."

RIMMER

(Back in his own seat) There's an old human

saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect

pain."

LISTER

Look, we'll take our chances man, OK?

RIMMER

No K. They're cybernetically deranged mechanical

killing machines. Not content with blasting their

ship out of the sky, you now want to go back and

steal what remains of their belongings? That's the

metaphorical equivalent of flopping your wedding

tackle into a lion's mouth and flicking his love

spuds with a wet towel. Total insanity.

LISTER

Look, ever since that refrigeration unit packed in

we've had to live off a few pathetic handfuls of

moss and fungi scraped off passing asteroids. I

can't stand it any more.

KRYTEN

Well sir, are you really saying you'd rather have

a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your

skull and play your frontal nodes like a xylophone

than have another bowl of my nourishing space

nettle soup?

CAT

Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the

sheet music.

RIMMER

Lister, they are simulants. Why on Io should they

have food supplies?

LISTER

Because the ident computer says they do. Look,

stocked to the gills.

KRYTEN

(To RIMMER) It's true sir. Rogue simulants always

carry large stocks of food supplies in order to

prolong the torment of their torture victims. In

some cases, they've kept subjects alive for over

forty years in a state of perpetual agony.

RIMMER

If we wanted to live in a state of perpetual

agony, we'd let Lister play his guitar. We don't.

I say drive on.

LISTER

Kryten, what's for dinner?

KRYTEN

Tonight sir, asteroidal lichen stew followed by

dandelion sorbet.

LISTER

We're going in.

5 Model. Starbug docking with Simulant ship.

6 Int. Mid section.

KRYTEN

(To LISTER) Sir, can't you see your behaviour is

totally irrational?

RIMMER

In which case we can remove him from duty as per

Space Corps Directive 1_9_6_1_5_6.

KRYTEN

1_9_6_1_5_6? Any officer caught sniffing the

saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym

will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I'm sorry

sir, that doesn't quite get to the nub of the

matter for me. (To LISTER) Sir, we have enough

thistles and weeds and cultured fungus for you to

scrum yourself stupid until the day you die. This

foolhardy trip beggars logic.

RIMMER

Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When

is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head

shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float

but he does operate from a position of total logic

and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council.

KRYTEN

At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your

place. We are after all merely electronic

life forms and therefore expendable.

RIMMER

And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from

hell?

LISTER

There's something else. I didn't want to say in

front of the Cat. (Quick shot of CAT) The reserve

fuel tank got punctured when we crashed into that

ocean moon. If we don't resupply, we're out of

power, two, three days.

KRYTEN

(Checking a panel) But what about the readouts?

LISTER

I rigged the readouts. I didn't want to cause any

alarm.

RIMMER

You rigged the readouts! You didn't want to cause

any a.. (hyperventilates, and recovers as he

grinds the worry balls) I can't breathe, I'm

hyperventilating.

KRYTEN

Please sir, don't panic.

RIMMER

It's not panic, it's a full-blown hysterical fit!

KRYTEN

Grind those balls sir! Grind them!

RIMMER

(Grinding) So let me get this straight. If we

board that ship and get captured, we're finished.

However if we board that ship and don't get

captured, but the superstructure disintegrates

around us, we're finished. On the other hand, if

we board that ship and don't get captured and the

superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but

we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished.

LISTER

That's about the shape of it, yeah.

KRYTEN

After you with the balls sir.

LISTER

Look, we're out of options. We've got less choice

than a Welsh fish and chip shop. We've got to

board that ship, even if it is on the brink of

disintegration. Let's just pray the crew are

rotting in Silicon Hell with all the photocopiers.

RIMMER

Look, you three go. I'm not leaving Starbug.

LISTER

Fine, that's fair enough. Unless of course

something weird and hideously ironic happens, like

while we were away you get boarded by a rampaging

torture party of crazed simulants in the rapid

grip of bloodlust fever.

RIMMER

I'll go and pack. (Moves to the staircase)

LISTER

Bring your extra brown rubber safety pants.

(RIMMER climbs the staircase) And your hard light

remote belt, we need all the hands we can muster.

7 Model. Simulant ship.

8 Int. Corridor of Simulant ship.

KRYTEN

Lifesigns.

CAT

If one of those suckers bumps into me, he'll be

lunching on laser, (Arms bazookoid) Last time we

met I was wearing the same outfit, and no-one's

gonna survive to tell that story.

LISTER

Listen guys, I suppose now's as good as time as

any to tell you.

RIMMER

Tell us what?

LISTER

We can't actually use the bazookoids. They're for

psychological reasons only. Look, the scan said

that the superstructure is so unstable that even a

load noise could start a shipquake. That's why I

skipped chillies for breakfast. (Reacting to the

others' stares) Why are you all looking at me like

that?

CAT

Like what?

LISTER

Like I'm a nostril hair in a Spanish omelette.

RIMMER

Why didn't you tell us?

LISTER

Didn't wanna cause any panic.

RIMMER

You didn't want to cause any p.. (Hyperventilates,

then slowly recovers as he grinds the balls) Let

me get this clear in my head. If we meet one of

these totally deranged killing machines, we have

to engage them in combat silently? What do we do,

whisper "charge", tippytoe up to them all

screaming "shhh" and chloroform them with Lister's

armpits? Priceless.

9 Int. Another corridor. The crew move carefully along,

in the order LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER.

LISTER

(Spotting) A teleporter.

KRYTEN

(Checking the controls) Hmmm, fully functional.

CAT

Let's grab what we can and load up.

RIMMER

Quietly.

We see LISTER and CAT loading the teleporter, and a

variety of crates materialising in Starbug's mid

section. They drop a crate. Worried faces as the noise

echoes throughout the ship.

KRYTEN

It's not gonna hold much longer sir, we'd better

make this the last batch.

LISTER

One more trip Kryten, let me get one more crate of

that red hot West Indian red pepper sauce.

In the background, the female SIMULANT from "Gunmen of

the Apocalypse" lurches through a doorway, causing more

rumbling from the ship's hull. She doesn't appear to be

in very good shape.

KRYTEN

Shhhhh.

SIMULANT

(Pointing her weapon at the crew) Well, if it

isn't my old friends, the human vermin, the scab

of slime, the pus-sucking, puke-laden walking

cesspits of unspeakableness.

CAT

She remembers us

SIMULANT

Annihilated my ship, slaughtered by fellow

simulants, and you practically destroyed me. Yes,

I remember you.

CAT

(Pointing at the SIMULANT) There's one thing you

should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute

little black number with peach trim and gold

spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing

the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely

different cute little black number with completely

different gold spangles.

KRYTEN

That was an important speech sir, and it needed to

be made, but might I suggest that from this moment

the rest of the discourse is conducted by those

with brains larger than a grape.

CAT

(To LISTER) Take it away, bud.

LISTER

OK, let's knock on the door and ask for Ronnie

Real. This is a classic stalemate situation. You

can't use your weapons and neither can we. Let's

chalk this one down to experience and we'll be on

our merry way, yeah? Actually, as far as psychotic

deranged ruthless killer simulants go, you're a

bit of a babe. What are you doing tonight?

SIMULANT

Dying (Shoots ceiling. More rumbling from the

ship). Care to join me?

Behind the SIMULANT, RIMMER can be seen. He has spotted

an escape pod, and is trying to sneak into it. LISTER's

words are aimed at RIMMER, not the SIMULANT, who does

not realise this. His words become more desperate as

the conversation continues.

LISTER

Hey come on, let's just talk, OK? We didn't start

any of this, and I think that maybe NOW is a good

time to sit down and parlez. (He is starting to

get annoyed) Let's not hang around, just get on

with it.

SIMULANT

There is nothing to discuss. In sixty seconds

you'll be dead.

LISTER

You can't be serious.

SIMULANT

I'm totally serious.

LISTER

I don't believe you're being serious.

SIMULANT

I do not understand why you're having such

problems grasping this concept. I'm a totally

ruthless amoral killing machine so why, in the

name of all that's putrid, don't you believe I'm

serious.

LISTER

I'm going to say this one more time. You've still

got a chance to change your mind. Think about it,

everything we've been through, does none of that

mean anything to you?

RIMMER launches the escape pod. The corridor collapses

onto the SIMULANT.

LISTER

Cheers Rimmer! He's started a shipquake!

KRYTEN

The superstructures disintegrating!

CAT

The teleporter! (They all step onto the teleporter

platform)

KRYTEN

I must warn you sir, the teleporter's not

calibrated for human tissue. There's a twenty

percent chance you'll be turned inside out when

you materialise.

CAT

Let me check my lining. Innards and lavender, I

can carry that off.

They dematerialise.

10 Int. Mid section.

As LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT materialise, we see the PAST

CREW seated around a table.

CAT

What's this?

KRYTEN

Don't you remember sir? This is a week last

Thursday. In the panic I must have made a

programming error.

PAST KRYTEN

(Standing) For goodness sake Kryten! Don't you

know how rude it is to burst in on an earlier

version of yourself without warning? You've made

our day totally surreal now. I'm very cross!

KRYTEN

Pardon my paradox. It's just that the simulant

ship you're about to encounter

PAST KRYTEN

(Interrupting) We don't know what we're about to

encounter. Don't compound your temporal faux-pas by

telling us our future.

PAST RIMMER

Where's the rangy, handsome one?

LISTER

What, you? You scarpered in that escape pod, you

slimy, triple-faced, back-stabbing Judas.

PAST RIMMER

Ah, I'm safe then? Thank God for that.

PAST KRYTEN

(To PAST RIMMER) Don't talk to them! (To KRYTEN)

You see what you've done now! Just get back to

your own damn time line!

KRYTEN

Here we go then.

PAST LISTER

Well, be you later.

LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT dematerialise.

11 Int. Starbug mid section.

LISTER

Let's get out of the landing bay. It's gonna blow!

12 Model. Starbug taking off from the Simulant ship, which

then explodes.

13 Int. Cockpit.

CAT

All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.

KRYTEN

Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer!

CAT

All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.

LISTER

Can't believe he did that, not even Rimmer.

KRYTEN

Sir, I didn't get the opportunity to tell you

before, but earlier today I discovered that Mister

Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous

disorder.

LISTER

Next time I see him he'll be suffering from a

fist-related teeth disorder.

14 Model. Escape pod disappearing into the distance.

15 Int. Cockpit.

CAT

Incoming message.

RIMMER appears on a monitor, looking rather pleased

with himself.

RIMMER

My escape plan worked then?

CAT

What escape plan?

RIMMER

The valiant plan whereby I set off the

disintegration of the ship's hull by bravely

leaping into the escape pod thereby creating a

diversion, so you could (pauses) Actually, how did

you escape?

KRYTEN

Well, the teleporter.

RIMMER

That wasn't the only way, but as good as any I

suppose. Still, I'm sure no-one's forgetting the

sheer manliness and stiff-upper-lippedness of the

diversionary part of the plan and to hasten with

all speed the recovery of the modest hero of the

hour.

LISTER

Actually, Flash, that might be a bit of a problem.

RIMMER

What do you mean?

LISTER

You're accelerating away from us - way above our

top speed

KRYTEN

I've logged into your ident computer sir. Rogue

simulants looted the pod from a colonisation

seeding ship constructed in the 25th Century.

There are no controls as such, it is programmed to

take you to the nearest planet with an S3

atmosphere.

RIMMER

How long is it going to take to get me back?

KRYTEN

(Checking a scanner) Ah well, let's see shall we,

checking the local area. Er, no, nothing there.

Going to mid-range. Er, still nothing. Going to

long range ... long, long range ... long, long,

long range. Ah, here we have it, just computing.

RIMMER

Well? How long?

KRYTEN

Have you still got those Chinese worry balls sir?

RIMMER

Yes.

KRYTEN

Well start grinding them like you've never ground

before.

RIMMER

How long?

LISTER

Let me tell him Kryten.

RIMMER

How long?

LISTER

(Smiling) A year and a half.

RIMMER

That's ridiculous! You've got to find a way of

getting me back.

KRYTEN

Well we could try to bring you down with a round

from a laser cannon, sir.

CAT

Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight.

RIMMER

Another way!

KRYTEN

Sir, there are no other options.

CAT

(Spotting something on a scanner) Wait!

Something's happening! Course change!

LISTER

(Checking his own screens) Check. Your guidance

system's found a nearer S3 planet. It's taking you

through that wormhole at 4_9_5_3_7_2.

KRYTEN

Ah, that's a lot better. You should make

planetfall in four days.

RIMMER

Isn't there some kind of a time dilation problem

when you go through a wormhole?

KRYTEN

Well, yes there is. Since you're travelling

through a compressed space, time will move more

swiftly for the object passing though the

wormhole. One minute on this side of the wormhole

will represent many years on the other.

RIMMER

So, is that good?

KRYTEN

Balls on standby sir.

RIMMER

More than a year and a half?

KRYTEN

Er, yes sir, a little more.

RIMMER

How much more?

KRYTEN

Well, let's not beat around a bush, a lot more.

RIMMER

Kryten, that's still beating around the bush. Just

tell me.

KRYTEN

Well, remember that medieval war sir, that lasted

quite a long time.

RIMMER

The Thirty Years War?

KRYTEN

No, not that war sir, the other one.

RIMMER

The Hundred Years War?

KRYTEN

Now take that figure, and multiply it by six, and

then you'll come up with your golden number sir.

RIMMER

Six hundred years!

CAT

(Disbelief) Pinch me!

LISTER

We're losing contact, any minute.

RIMMER

Six hundred years with just myself as company,

I'll go raving mad!

CAT

There's and old Cat saying, but you don't want to

hear it right now.

LISTER

On the upside, according to your inventory the

pod's stocked with solar accelerators. That should

keep your hard-light drive going as long as you

need.

KRYTEN

And as the pod was looted from a seeding ship,

there may even be emergency terraforming equipment

on board, possibly even with a genetic capability.

RIMMER

But I'll never survive, I'm not the Robinson

Crusoe type. I'm lousy at woodwork, I'm no good in

the wild. Do you know, when I was at school it

took me five terms to make a tent peg? How long's

it going to take me to build a two storey home

with running water and a balcony stroke sun patio?

Six hundred years! I won't even have finished

planing the wood!

LISTER

Losing contact, any second. See you in eight

lifetimes.

KRYTEN

One last word sir, remember your condition.

Whatever happens, try and avoid stressful

situations. Whatever befalls you, try and greet it

with a smile on your lips and a song in your

heart.

RIMMER

You are a total, total, complete and utter, total,

total, complete and utter total... (fades out)

16 Model. Pod entering wormhole.

17 Int. Cockpit

KRYTEN

Well, he's gone.

LISTER

So, what do we do now?

CAT

Nothing we can do, I know for a fact there's no

champagne. (smiles)

KRYTEN

On our side of this time dilation phenomena it

will appear as if Mister Rimmer has gone for just

a few hours, but from Mister Rimmer's point of

view, he will have to wait six entire centuries

for us to reach him.

LISTER

To hell with the champagne, we can celebrate with

urine resyc.

18 Model. Pod in atmosphere. This is followed by a montage

of images, following RIMMER's monologue.

RIMMER

This is the personal log of Space Corps hard-light

hologram Arnold J. Rimmer. Day 1: After landing, I

ventured forth to explore the place I would be

calling home for the next two thirds of a

millennium. A desert planet, the only life forms

the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me.

Relationships would be difficult, but not

impossible. I repaired to the pod, to appraise the

supply situation. The pod had indeed been looted

from a seeding ship. Among the supplies I found

two strange devices, labelled "Eco-Accelerator

Rockets". I held out little hope that they might

improve my lot, but launched them anyway. For six

days and nights the entire planet was wracked with

storms, the like of which I had never witnessed

before or since. Then, just as suddenly, they

stopped. In just six days I had created my own

world, lush and verdant. I had created

"Rimmerworld". I was Adam, in my own Eden, and

only one thing was missing, my own Jane. As I

studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew.

It seemed entirely possible for me to create a

fully grown female clone, using my own DNA as a

template. This of course created the most enormous

moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister,

and therefore unable to take me as her lover.

After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided,

"What the hell", I just wouldn't tell her. After

months of careful nurture, the cocoon cracked.

Something had gone hideously wrong - the clone was

just an identical copy of me. I went back to the

manuals, and tried again...

19 Model. Starbug entering wormhole.

20 Int. Starbug cockpit.

LISTER

There she blows, an S3 planet.

CAT

Navicomp locked. Entering atmosphere.

21 Model. Starbug in atmosphere.

22 Int. Cockpit.

LISTER

Got something. Try quadrant four-niner-seven-two.

According to the scan, there's lifesigns.

KRYTEN

Confirmed. Thousands of them. Either Mister Rimmer

had the incredible good fortune to land on a

populated planet, or...

CAT

Or what?

KRYTEN

It's too hideous to contemplate.

CAT

Preparing to land.

23 Ext. Woodland on "Rimmerworld". LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN

are seen walking through the woodland.

CAT

Wait, nasal alert!

LISTER

What, are you getting something?

CAT

I sure am. My nasal hairs are quivering like an

opera singer's bosom on the high notes.

'RIMMER' GUARD 1

Halt, abomination!

LISTER

Rimmer?

'RIMMER' GUARD 2

Silence, travesty.

LISTER

Rimmer??

'RIMMER' GUARD 3

Never have I seen such a hideously formed and

un-naturally freakish deviant.

LISTER

Rimmer???

'RIMMER' GUARD 4

Silence mutant! How dare you stand there and

address a norm using that face. It's a revolting

insult against nature.

LISTER

This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but

(pauses) can't even bring myself to say it.

'RIMMER' GUARD

Say what?

LISTER

Take us to your leader.

KRYTEN

Oh sir, how could you!

'RIMMER' GUARD

Let the great one judge them. (The GUARDS escort

the crew away)

24 Int. Throne room. The 'RIMMER' EMPEROR is seated upon a

throne, with concubines at his feet. The back of the

throne consists of a large 'H' sculpted out of a

circular piece of stone. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN are

guarded by 'RIMMER' GUARDS.

'RIMMER' EMPEROR

Who disturbs our royal snooze?

LISTER

Rimmer? It's us.

'RIMMER' EMPEROR

Dear lord, what created such foulness. Is it the

product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil?

LISTER

Do you remember? Six hundred years ago? We used to

be your ship mates, we've come to save you.

'RIMMER' GUARD

We found them in the woods, your flared-

nostrilness, and have brought them here to be

tried as travesties.

CAT

(Whispering to LISTER) That ain't goalpost-head,

he doesn't smell right.

KRYTEN

(Also in a whisper to LISTER) Agreed, he scans as

organic, not hologram. the 'H' is an affectation.

Possibly it has become a symbol of power.

'RIMMER' EMPEROR

These deformed monsters are no sight for my

concubines. My treasures of pulchritude, run

along. (He gestures to one) Avert your eyes from

her great beauty. (Uncovers her face, which turns

out to also be that of RIMMER, and kisses her. She

covers herself, and he clears his throat. We see a

GUARD uncovering his face) Let the trial begin,

before my jacuzzi water grows tepid.

'RIMMER' GUARD

These three abominations stand charged on eight

counts of gross deviancy. Not content with not

looking like the true image, they flaunt freakish

behaviour such as charm, bravery, compassion and

(pauses) honour.

'RIMMER' EMPEROR

Are there no sighs of normalcy in these wretches?

No cowardice or pomposity, no snideyness or smarm,

not even basic honest-to-goodness double-dealing

two-facedness?

'RIMMER' GUARD

Sire, these creatures did not even attempt to sell

each other out for their own freedom - they lack

even the most basic natural drives.

'RIMMER' EMPEROR

How do you plead?

KRYTEN

Er sir, we wish to speak to the hologram known as

Rimmer.

'RIMMER' EMPEROR

(Arrogantly - very over the top) I am he!

KRYTEN

Not so, we are seeking the creator of your race,

the father of your people, the first true Rimmer,

the template for your species.

'RIMMER' EMPEROR

Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take

them out and kill them. And when you've killed

them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold

ashes on a silver plate, with a glass of chilled

sancerre.

CAT

(To LISTER) This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know

it's red wine with cold ashes? (The GUARD escorts

them away, pushing CAT in the process).

25 Int. Dungeon. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN see a figure

huddled in the corner under a blanket. He is grinding

extremely small worry balls with his fingers.

LISTER

Rimmer?

CAT

Smell checks out. That truly is old toilet-brush

hair himself.

RIMMER

Of course, I remember. (Pointing at each of them

in turn) Custer! Derek Custer! Kit! Titan!

CAT

What's happened to him bud?

KRYTEN

How long have you been in here sir, in this

godforsaken pit from hell. (RIMMER points at the

wall, where he's been marking the days) Speed

count mode. (Scans the wall) Five hundred and

fifty seven years?

LISTER

What! You've been stuck in this cell all this

time?

CAT

What happened?

RIMMER

Can you imagine a society composed entirely of me?

CAT

I'm trying not to. The last time I did that it

took a week to dry the mattress.

RIMMER

Thousands upon thousands of back-stabbing

treacherous hypocritical cowardly slime-mongering

Judases. They overthrew me. When they found out

they couldn't damage my hard light drive, they

locked me in here so I could never threaten their

insane lust for power.

CAT

Look bud, I can understand them locking you up,

but what have they got against me, Derek and

Titan?

RIMMER

Anyone who deviates from the template is reviled.

The smallest physical flaw and they're banished

from society, and anyone who displays behaviour

deemed out of character or un-Rimmerlike is

punished by death.

LISTER

Is that why no-one on the planet is brave, sexy,

noble or charming?

RIMMER

All crimes here.

CAT

Man. I must be Public Enemy numbers one, two and

three.

KRYTEN

But sir, don't they realise the only way any

society can evolve is through mutations in the

gene pool. When there is no richness or variety,

congenital disorders and inherited lunacy are

commonplace. Who can forget the famously insane

European monarchies of the nineteenth and twentieth

centuries.

RIMMER

Oh what have I created?

KRYTEN

Your very own personal hell.

CAT

Well, fun though its been hearing about your last

five hundred years of total misery, shouldn't we

be making skedaddle plans? I for one could not

bear the prospect of being burned alive. Flames

and peach! Ooh, I'd rather die.

LISTER

Have you tried escaping Rimmer?

RIMMER

The whole planet is populated with back-stabbing

slimeballs. The minute I got out, I'd be sold back

immediately.

LISTER

(Moving to the cell window) There's got to be a

way out. There hasn't been a prison built that

could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away

this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out,

then using a rope weaved from strands of this

hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that

when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire,

gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's

uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords,

and fight our way back to the 'bug.

KRYTEN

Or we could use the teleporter.

LISTER

Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter.

They dematerialise.

26 Int. Starbug mid section. As they materialise, we see

the FUTURE CREW, bar the FUTURE LISTER, sitting at a

table.

KRYTEN

Oh, I've done it again. Two anomalies in one day,

I must have accidentally tapped into the previous

calibration.

RIMMER

Sorry about that, it's just that we're escaping

from Rimmerworld.

LISTER

Don't tell them that, they don't want to know the

future. Poor old Rimmer doesn't want to know he's

going to get persecuted for six centuries by a

load of his own clones.

CAT

Careful bud, for a minute there I thought you were

going to let slip that he spends the next five

hundred and fifty seven years locked in a dungeon.

FUTURE RIMMER

Rimmerworld?

LISTER

I'm saying nothing man, don't want to spoil the

surprise.

FUTURE RIMMER

Rimmerworld was weeks ago. We're far more

concerned at the moment about the quite hideous

thing that's happened to Lister.

CAT

He's right bud, where are you?

LISTER

Yeah, where am I? I wanna know!

They dematerialise.

The End