RED DWARF Series 7 Episode 2, "Stoke Me A Clipper"

[-- 1 - Int. Cockpit of an airplane in flight -----------------------------]

[GERMAN CAPTAIN, PILOT and GESTAPO OFFICER present. CAPTAIN is stroking a

large Crocodile]

GERMAN CAPTAIN

Where is the girl?

GESTAPO OFFICER

In five minutes she'll be facing the firing squad, Herr Captain.

CAPTAIN

Good. And the erstwhile protector?

GESTAPO

In ze cargo hold.

CAPTAIN

Excellent.

[Enter ACE]

CAPTAIN

Ahhh, Ace Rimmer - might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?

ACE

Just had to dislocate both shoulders, pop 'em behind my ears and slip

between the ropes. Of course, it's gonna take major orthopaedic surgery to

put them back, but rest assured: that won't stop me from rescuing the

Princess Bonjella.

CAPTAIN

You're insane, Rimmer. You're outmanned and outgunned.

ACE

You expect me to concede?

CAPTAIN

No Mr. Rimmer, I expect you to *die*!

CAPTAIN

Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to

him... then... throw him out of the plane.

hook, knocking him out. The pilot moves to tackle Ace but receives a

bullet before he's out of his seat. The captain suddenly throws the

Crocodile at Ace who falls back into the main body of the plane. Ace

wrestles with the reptile, losing his gun out of the open doors>

CAPTAIN

Oh, Mr. Rimmer - sorry I can't stick around for a chat, but I've got to

blow.

CAPTAIN

Do me a favour would you, and feed Snappy?

ACE

What I would give for a gun.

ACE

Or a bottle of Listerene!

CAPTAIN

Goodbye Ace Rimmer! You were a most worthy adversary!

fasten around the captains head.

Ace reaches down and unclips the captain's parachute, he drops while Ace

drifts slowly down>

ACE

See you later Crocodile!

several instructions - the squad takes aim.

as the officer gives the command to fire. Ace uses the stolen captains gun

and shoots the officer, then quickly picks off the entire firing squad -

taking a bullet to the chest in the process.>

ACE

This is my best top, damn it!

through the wooden roof of a supply storehouse. Armed soldiers gather

before the door, and upon a barked command, blast round upon round through

into the buildings, splintering the wooden doors to matchwood.

An officer barks a second command and the firing ceases. they wait.

Suddenly, the doors burst open as Ace powers out, unhurt, on a motorcytle.>

ACE

Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later,

and, hopefully, some sex.

PRINCESS

What a guy!

bullets fired after them>

ACE

Hold on, Princess!

PRINCESS

Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl!

A not-so-skilled pursuer drives his bike right through the wall,

demolishing it and detonating his bike's fuel tank>

ACE

Bet he's a sour Kraut.

GERMAN OFFICER #1

Translation: He got away! I can't believe he got away!

GERMAN OFFICER #2

Translation: That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!

GERMAN OFFICER #3

Translation: What a guy!

[Corridor within Starbug leading to AR machine]

KRYTEN

I simply cannot believe you're going to go through with this, sir.

LISTER

I'm a man, Kryten, with a man's urges, and a man's desires.

KRYTEN

Well what about an ice-cold shower, sir?

LISTER

I've used up this year's water supply with ice-cold showers, Kryten. I was

looking in at the log this morning: a 112 gallons! If I carry on like this

my libido's gonna cause a drought.

KRYTEN

You think is the answer?

LISTER

I know how it may look from the outside -

KRYTEN

Going into an AR simulation with a book of cheats, seducing the Queen of

Camelot? Words fail me. It's quite the most unchivalrous thing I've ever

heard in my life!

LISTER

Are you my faithful manservant or what?

KRYTEN

I'm ashamed to be with you, sir! I haven't been this embarassed since I

was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into

Mr. Rimmer's soup.

[OB. Inside the AR simuation a tourney at Camelot]

KING

Is there any man, across the length and breadth of this great land, that

dare challenge the King's best knight?

LISTER

I do, sir!

KING

And you are, sir?

LISTER

Lister, of Smeg.

KING

Good knight, do you accept this challenge from... 'Lister of Smeg'?

KING'S KNIGHT

I do, my King.

KING

And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my lord?

KING'S KNIGHT

I claim nothing, sire. Serving the king is reward enough.

KING

And you... 'Lister of Smeg', what prize do you claim if you should defeat

my best knight?

LISTER

I claim, my lord, a night and a day in the bed of your good lady.

KING

'A night and a day in the bed of my good lady'?

QUEEN

We accept ze challenge...

KING

We do?

QUEEN

Oui, we do.

KING

My lady, I think we should discuss this matter in private.

QUEEN

Do you not 'ave faith in your good knight, to cut this dog down where 'e

stands?

KING

I do! Sort of.

QUEEN

Zen we accept.

KING

Good knight - bring me this knave's manhood on a silver platter -

LISTER

'Ey, steady!

KING

- then disembowel him, and feed his innards to the crows!

LISTER

This is worse than playing away at Leeds!

QUEEN

When mah lace 'ankerchief, flutters onto ze ground, the challenge shall

commence!

LISTER

I just lurve that accent... rrrrrrarrr!

KRYTEN

If I were you, Mr. Galahad, sir, I'd concentrate on memorising your cheats

book.

LISTER

Cheat one: codeword 'steadcheat' Hyah!

miniature shetland pony>

head. it flies through the air and lands in the King's lap. Lister rides

back to the King and Queen>

LISTER

I claim my price, my lord.

her way to join Lister. Crowd boos and jeers as they walk off toward a

tent>

KING

You are the scurviest knave in Christendom! And i swear to you: your

scheme to seduce my fair lady will not succeed!

LISTER

Cheat 2: codeword 'chastitycheat

the ground beneath her dress, and she steps forward uncovering a

now-unlocked metal chastity belt. Lister leads her into the tent, and

Kryten closes the flap and stands guard>

KRYTEN

Scum! Absolute scum.

KING

If he that calls himself Lister of Smeg has a grain of honour in his soul,

that tent will part this very instant, and he will return to me my lady, and

beg the King's forgiveness!

LISTER

Has anybody got any whipped cream?

KING

'Whipped cream'?

[Space. Ace inside his ship]

COMPUTER VOICE

Ace, we need to find a dimension close by.

ACE

Understood, computer. Prepare to jump.

disappear>

LISTER

Hey!! What's happening?

KRYTEN

Power failure, sir! Electrics are going down.

LISTER

The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is

happening?

KRYTEN

Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco.

[-- Starbug cockpit

[CAT,RIMMER present]

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]

CAT

I'm locked out! Everything's dead! Steering's down, thrusters are down

and we're heading straight for that ion storm in sector 12!

RIMMER

Morning!

KRYTEN

What the smeeee is going on?

RIMMER

A power drain is knocking out all the generators!

LISTER

Cause?

CAT

An object of such awesome power an charisma it's flattenned all the grids!

At first I thought it was me, but it's some kind of craft Dimension Jumping.

KRYTEN

Any ident details?

RIMMER

The last time we came across a lunatic tyring to pull a stunt like this it

was 'Captain Smug Git' himself, Ace Rimmer. Dear God, don't let it be him,

I couldn't bear it.

CAT

This is the JMC transport ship 'Starbug' opening channels, please identify

yourselves.

ACE

Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast, how're those kippers doing,

fellas?

CAT

Ace, buddy! How're you doin'?

ACE

All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're

wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have

been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into

someone's eye.

CAT

Wow, that's sharp. Thanks buddy!

RIMMER

According to the logs we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never

be enough.

[Docking area within the expanded starbug]

LISTER

Ace - good to see ya! How're you doing?

ACE

Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship's computer made a minor

calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; doesn't know

what day it is.

KRYTEN

So, what have you been up to, sir?

ACE

Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few

dictatorships, turned down a heap of marriage proposals, and had my

highlights done.

CAT

What a guy!

ACE

So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie?

RIMMER

I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I've begun

researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I've alphabetised our

entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with

it's fellows.

CAT

I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud, we can catch up! For starters

you can tell me the name of your stylist!

ACE

Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm.

Incidentally, it's AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24. Ask for

Alfonce.

CAT

Yeoooowww, yeeah!

ACE

Arnie, up for a stroll?

RIMMER

Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste

and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.

ACE

I'll take that as a 'no', then.

[Exit ACE]

LISTER

Oh Rimmer, go with him.

RIMMER

I don't want to.

KRYTEN

But, sir, he wants you to.

RIMMER

And I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness. We don't

always get what we want.

LISTER

But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond.

RIMMER

The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and

a rabid hamster!

RIMMER

Oh all *right*. I'm going. God!

RIMMER

Okay, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters. They're about fifty

yards down there on the right. Bye!

[Exit Rimmer, through a hatch to a side corridor]

back through the hatch>

ACE

I think, I may need some help here, Arn.

shoulder. Ace collapses onto the bed>

RIMMER

I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot while they're around, but as soon

as no-one's watching you're as butch as an ice-skater's friend. What's the

problem? Travel sickness? The strap on padded codpiece too tight again?

ACE

Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic, but, I'm afraid I'm, on the way out.

RIMMER

You're what?

ACE

About to visit the great airfield in the sky; lose all my breathing

privileges.

RIMMER

You're dying?

ACE

You 've got it, Arn. Your brain moves quicker than a nun's first curry.

RIMMER

You're really dying?

ACE

Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer.

ACE

I mean it, Arn!

RIMMER

Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?

ACE

The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just

generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.

RIMMER

And you think, I'm your man?

ACE

It's your destiny, Arnie.

RIMMER

What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?

ACE

You're just afraid, old son. Afraid that you're not good enough. You've

always wanted to believe it.

RIMMER

I'm not you. I think we established that in your last visit.

ACE

I'm not the Ace you met last time, Arnie.

ACE

He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165. I'm a hard

light hologram, just like you.

RIMMER

Ace is dead?

ACE

I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me.

[O/S: Ace opens his jacket and green light spills out, sickly beams

illuminating Rimmer's shocked face]

RIMMER

My god! What *is* that stuff?

ACE

Light Bee's been hit pretty bad, it's a power leakage. Electro-magnetic

radiation, I haven't got long. About the time I usually like to spend

making love - say, 12 hours, maybe less. After that I'll be to weak to

train you. What do you say?

ACE

It's part of the legend, I'm not the first Ace, not even the second.

There have been, well, let's just say 'more than a couple'. As one Ace

dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start

off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.

LISTER

We're talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers under

tables with a colander on his head.

ACE

Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover.

LISTER

And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a book's got a

spine.

ACE

Let me train him, that's all I ask. Talk to him, persuade him.

very funny but not wanting to show it>

RIMMER

What is it? What's the joke?

LISTER

Nothin', nothin'.

RIMMER

Well clearly it's not 'nothing'. Clearly you've just heard something

terribly amusing, clearly.

LISTER

It's just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next

Ace Rimmer.

RIMMER

Yes, sadly I've got to sort out my shoe collection, or I'd have jumped at

it like a shot.

LISTER

It's just, you, y'know, the next Ace... The very idea.

RIMMER

It's not so ridiculous, Lister! Other versions of me have turned into

him. In fact, if I wasn't needed around here so badly, I think I'd very

likely take him up on it.

LISTER

Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace?

I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, directionless, neurotic,

underachieving, snivelling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get

real, man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.

RIMMER

Well that, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong,

because I've taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins... right now.

[Ace has patched himself and Rimmer into the AR machine. They are both

seated on flying carpets, sweeping speedily high above a snow-covered

mountain range.]

RIMMER

Er, why have you brought me here?

ACE

Take a look around, Arnie. The plateaux, the summit. This is where you

must be to become Ace Rimmer.

RIMMER

No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp.

ACE

Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; *be* the wind, Arnie. Unleash

the wild power you know lurks inside you. Be the cougar running free and

unfettered through the mountains.

RIMMER

Be the what?

ACE

Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate!

ACE

See the cougar, Arnie? It's you; can you see it?

it's little wheel>

RIMMER

Sort of.

[Sleeping Quarters]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

Oh, I'll never be Ace! We tried, we failed! I give up.

[Enter ACE, walking with effort]

ACE

All your life you've given up.

RIMMER

Well, maybe after more training!

ACE

I can't keep up the dog and pony show any longer. It's now or never.

RIMMER

What's that?

ACE

Light Bee Remote.

flight suit like ACE's>

ACE

If you can fool your crewmates into thinking you're me, we'll know you're

ready.

surprised RIMMER who puts it on, backwards>

RIMMER

But I'm not ready!

ACE

Try it the other way around.

RIMMER "The name's Rimmer,"

RIMMER "Oh, this is ridiculous"

KRYTEN

Ah, Mr. Ace, sir, everything okay?

RIMMER

What? Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie. Uh-huh, yeah, everything's fine.

KRYTEN

Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different?

RIMMER

Errr, could you be more specific?

KRYTEN

Er, 67% more weasely.

RIMMER

Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat. Er, um, bug going around, a

holographic virus. But it affects humans too. Arnie's got it. I've

quarantined hime for twenty-four hours; no one's to go near him.

KRYTEN

Ah, I was just wondering, sir: we've run out of bacofoil about six months

ago, I don't suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in?

RIMMER

Listen, you stupid, jumped-up little son-of-a -- Ohhhhhhh! Sorry, old

friend; afraid not, catch you later.

purposefully out. The knight from Lister's AR game>

KING'S KNIGHT

I bid you good day, my lord. I come in search of the knave called 'Lister

of Smeg'.

RIMMER

Now wait a minute, old friend, let's just stay calm, shall we?

KING'S KNIGHT

Are you one of his household?

RIMMER

Errr, in a manner of speaking...

KING'S KNIGHT

Then prepare to die!

RIMMER

Let's talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted

muffins?

RIMMER

Okay, how about some scones and clotted cream? Dundee cake? Battenburg??

blasts the approaching knight with it, knocking him back, he looses of three

more shots and the knight goes down, twitching and jerking>

RIMMER

My God! I did it!

[Exit RIMMER]

picks up the bazookoid used by RIMMER and ejects it's ammunition cartridge.

SHOT: we see the word 'BLANK' written on the cartridge, before LISTER

replaces it with a cartridge labelled 'LIVE'>

LISTER

So far -

LISTER

- so good.

RIMMER

I did it! that's the most heroic thing I've done since I set fire to

Stinky Bateman's turnups in third from prep!

ACE

Well done; you've done us proud.

Smoke me a kipper... I'll be back for --

[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN]

CAT

What's happenin', bro? What's happenned to goalpost head?

RIMMER

No, you don't understand. it's not me, it's him.

KRYTEN

Sir, you're in shock - the trauma has made you speak like Mr. Rimmer.

CAT

What happenned?

LISTER

Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine. It's killed

Rimmer.

LISTER

Isn't that right, Ace?

We should give Rimmer a decent send-off, y'know. It's the least he

deserves.

KRYTEN

I just can't believe it.

CAT

Neither can I. I was only insulting him just this morning.

KRYTEN

Poor Mr. Rimmer. I haven't felt this wretched since Spare Head #3 told me

the others held a poll, and voted *me* the 'big-eared, ugly one'.

LISTER

Heyy. You decided what you're gonna do?

ACE RIMMER

I thought I'd stick around here for a bit. "Get the hang of the

character, as it were".

What's that?

LISTER

Ace asked me to fit it. Said it would take his coffin to its final

resting place, alongside all the other Ace Rimmers. He's left some more

beacons behind for the Ace's that follow you.

ACE RIMMER

I'm getting cold feet, Listy. I'm not sure I can go through with it.

Leave, I mean. *Be* Ace.

LISTER

You heard what he said; it's your destiny.

ACE RIMMER

it's my destiny to be a smug, self-satisfied git?

LISTER

Okay, so he was a bit full of himself, but you can be a different kind of

Ace, it's up to you.

Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin. He said

it might make you change your mind.

KRYTEN

We are gathered here today to say our final farewells to Mr Rimmer. On

occation he was a small-minded, beaurocratic, incompetent, cowardly

little -- person, er, but he also had his good qualities.

CAT

Those *were* his good qualities!

KRYTEN

To say something about the finer side of his nature, I'd like to turn now

to Mr Lister.

LISTER

Alexander the Great's chief eunuch has finally joined his master. The man

who kept his underpants on coathangers and sewed name labels into his ship-

issue condoms has gone. Life will never be the same.

We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man the

Space Corps - no, no - the *universe* has ever known. No one ever pressed

for a coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on *his* shift -

well, actually, that's not true, we all did but what the smeg, this is his

eulogy.

He didn't have many friends, but those that he did have were with him at

the end. Even Rachel, who I suppose in many ways is his widow.

See ya smeg 'ead.

CAT

Later, bud.

KRYTEN

Goodbye Mr. Smeeee Heeee.

ACE RIMMER

Bye, Ironballs

LISTER

Finally this: When Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly brought

him back as a hologram, to keep me sane - never an easy task. He succeeded

spectacularly, and for this accomplishment, we award him this: Kryten,

place *First Officer* Rimmer's decoration into the coffin.

KRYTEN

Right away, sir.

LISTER

Gentlemen: First Officer Rimmer.

ALL

First Officer Rimmer.

before losing itself in amongst hundreds of other similar capsules. The

camera pans back and we see that the hundred are actually thousands upon

millions upon billions - panning out further and further until the billions

we saw are in fact a tiny piece of a huge glowing band, a band which is the

ring around an entire planet.>

ACE RIMMER

All those Rimmers...

LISTER

They all did it. All became Ace; passed on the flame. Are you really

gonna be the one to break the chain?

ACE RIMMER

It's been a blast, fellers.

LISTER

Bye, man.

CAT

Bye, dude.

KRYTEN

Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir.

ACE RIMMER

Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever.

ACE RIMMER

Just had to say one last goodbye!

ACE RIMMER

Seeya, Davey boy.

LISTER

Yeah, good luck, man...

[---------------------- END OF "STOKE ME A CLIPPER" -----------------------]